The Edgy Teen Story

Once there were four teenagers named Madison, Jolene, Riley and Sam. They were all super edgy and they were constantly trying to show each other up on how edgy they were. They all got piercings, wore black makeup, but the undisputed champion of edge was the person formerly known as Madison, who had legally changed her name to Death Thrasher.

One day Jolene came up to the girls with exciting news. She had recently moved houses, and had soon learned that the house next to her was super haunted and full of demons. This was a great opportunity, she had said, to sell her soul to Satan. This would help her to become even edgier than Death Thrasher, her greatest rival in edginess.

Everyone was excited to head to the scary haunted house. They all agreed to try and get in to sell Jolene's soul the following Saturday night, at 11:30 pm.

"Oh sorry, I can't go, I have swim practice," said Sam.

"Lame," said Death Thrasher.

"You have swim practice until 11:30 at night?" asked Riley.

"It's vampire swimming classes. For vampires that can't swim in the sunlight," Sam replied, adjusting her fake vampire teeth that she wore 24/7.

"Oh, that's fair."

So only Riley, Death Thrasher and Jolene found themselves climbing over the rotting fence into the overgrown backyard of the abandoned house next door that fateful Saturday evening. They kicked open the back door and made their way inside. It was dimly lit and incredibly dusty. Every few seconds, Death Thrasher would cough loudly.

"Shut up!" Jolene hissed.

"I have asthma, dickhead!" replied Death Thrasher.

"Maybe you should sell your soul to Satan for better lungs," Riley joked.

"The only soul being sold tonight is MINE," Jolene said defensively.

"Out of curiosity, what are you going to ask for in exchange for your soul, Jolene?" asked Death Thrasher.

Jolene paused. She hadn't thought that far ahead. "Moooneyyy?"

The other two nodded in agreement.

On the second floor, they found a sitting room with a perfectly circular rug placed in the exact center of the floor. Riley removed it, and found a conveniently placed pentagram painted underneath. They were all very pleased with this development.

Jolene stood in the center of the pentagram, Riley took out and lit the candles she had bought earlier that day from Bath and Body Works. Death Thrasher found a dead rat in the corner, and poured some of its blood onto Jolene. Then they began the ritual.

Riley and Death Thrasher stood directly in front of and behind Jolene, outside of the pentagram. They raised their arms and began muttering. The words they muttered almost sounded like the lyrics to the Macarena. They flipped their hands so their palms faced upward. Then they both crossed their arms and placed their hands on their shoulders, still weirdly reminiscent of the Macarena. But before they could place their hands on their heads and it got too strange, the lights went out and a gust of wind blew out the candles.

They all waited in eager silence, as this was clearly a sign that they were doing something right. There was a loud, eerily familiar cackle.

The lights came on and everyone looked towards the doorway where the cackle had come from. There stood Satan. His skin was a bright lobstery red, his hair was black and wavy, and his eyes were like a snake's. He wore a wifebeater, short shorts and thigh high, high heeled boots like Him from the Powerpuff girls.

"You called?" Satan asked with a grin.

The three girls stood in shock. Being edgy teens, they were all rather big fans of Satan and felt too starstruck to speak.

After an awkward silence, Jolene found her voice. "I would like to sell my soul, please."

"Sure! What do you want for it?"

Jolene gulped and furrowed her brow for a couple of seconds before inspiration struck. "I want cool demon powers!"

"Sure, done and done!" Satan snapped his fingers and the room went dark again. When the lights flickered back on, the doorway was empty.

"Wow," Death Thrasher gasped. "You sold your soul to Satan! You actually did it! You made a deal with the devil!"

"Yup," Jolene replied with a smirk. "Pretty cool, huh? Pretty edgy. Way edgier than just forging your parents' consent to legally change your name."

Death Thrasher sighed. "I must admit it. I never actually changed my name to Death Thrasher. I just Photoshopped the picture of the documents I sent you guys. You deserve to know. Jolene, you're way edgier than me."

Jolene and Riley's faces lit up. "Sorry, could you repeat that?" Jolene asked, one eyebrow raised.

Death Thrasher (legally Madison), rolled her eyes. "Jolene, you are INFINITELY edgier than I am, 100%. Happy?"

Jolene's grin threatened to split her face in half. Suddenly, she turned her head towards the window. "Did you get all that?"

Before Death Thrasher could ask what was going on, two men, one holding a professional-looking camera and the other one of those boom mics, climbed through the window.

"Everything's been recorded, m'am," confirmed the one holding the camera. "Our pay?"

Jolene handed them both a stack of bills. "I hope to get the footage soon."

The two men left through the door, leaving Death Thrasher very confused.

"They've been recording the whole time? Were you in on this?" she asked incredulously, turning to Riley.

"Sorry, Thrash," Riley replied, looking not at all sorry, "but I was getting sick of you bragging about how edgy you were all the time."

"So you got a legitimate deal with the devil on camera just to prank me?"

"Well, not exactly," Jolene smiled sheepishly.

Satan walked through the doorway, wearing the exact same outfit as before. He looked at Death Thrasher and giggled.

"You hired a-" Death Thrasher paused. She knew that giggle.

"SAM?"

Sam tore off her wig and spit on her fingers, rubbing some of the red body paint off of her face and pointing at her skin.

"Why do you think I couldn't come? I haven't taken swim lessons in years!" she explained, snickering.

Death Thrasher looked at Sam, then at Riley, and finally made eye contact with Jolene. "Why?" she asked, feeling embarrassed and angry.

Jolene walked over to Death Thrasher and put a hand on her shoulder. "You were just getting so obsessed with being the edgiest all the time, it didn't seem like we were even friends anymore. You changed your name and..."

She trailed off.

"And I acted like I was better than you," Death Thrasher finished. "I'm sorry, Jo. And Sam, and Riley. I can't believe you had to hire a camera crew, dress up as Satan and rent out a house just to show me what a jerk I was being!"

Jolene's eyes widened. "Oh no."

"What?"

"I didn't rent out the house. I just kind of assumed no one owned it. Shit, we could get arrested for breaking and entering!"

Neighbors would later report to the police that at midnight, they saw 4 girls scrambling over the fence and running off into the night. But most importantly, none of them was any edgier than the others.

The End