Astrix

Lost Memories

I blacked out. I heard a scream and felt a thump, then nothing. Everything was black. There was a sharp ringing in my ears. I tried to open my eyes, but couldnt. I eventually gave into the darkness.

Once I gave in, color started to show and spread through my vision. The sunshine was almost blinding as I struggled to open my eyes. I groaned slightly and looked around as I sat up. The scenery was all too familiar. The backyard of my old house. Was it all a dream? As I thought about it, my head began to hurt. Everything felt like it was spinning and my stomach began to twist in knots. I felt the urge to vomit. I took deep breaths and the world stopped. It froze. I locked eyes with a little girl. We stared at eachother for what felt like forever. She was wearing a green dress that really complimented her skin and eyes. Her long black hair was curled perfectly and flowed down her back. I felt as if speaking was impossible. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. The little girl reached out her hand and smiled. "Come on." Her words seemed to echo in my mind and I wasnt sure why. I accepted the girls hand and felt like I was being sucked through a tiny hole. When I stopped being dizzy, I was at a white building. The little girl was gripping my hand as if when she let go she would lose her life. I looked down at her, confused and scared. I still couldnt speak. She slowly lifted her arm and pointed at the building. The building began to turn black, the darkness was swallowing the pure white figure. I felt like it was swallowing me too. Like I was falling back through my depression. Like I was being eaten alive...

I was drowning. I couldnt cry. I was swallowed whole and I dont know why. Last time I felt this way, last time my heart sank, the last time I died inside, was when I was a child. I had made it my mission to be happy in life in honor of my mom. I looked down at the little girl. Her eyes were so empty, it killed me. A tear managed it's way down my cheek and the sad realization that the little girl was me inside gave me the ability to speak. "It still hurts" I smiled a sad smile, tears rolling down my cheeks. "You cant keep hiding your pain. It will always come back and swallow you. Momentary happiness is just that. Its momentary, not long term. The pain and hurt is still there. It lurks in your mind and heart. We never grieved. And you blocked the memories. You need to let in the hurt...." Her words, or well my words, were daggers to my heart. She was right. She smiled a smile of hope and it beamed through the darkness that had swallowed us. She closed her eyes and let go of my hand. She faded from my vision and all that was left was the darkness. Let in the hurt... Let in the hurt. I couldnt. I tried so hard. I replayed those four words in my head over and over again until it hurt to think. Something was blocking me. I knew I needed to let it in, but your mind will always subconsciously protect you from things that could hurt you. I switched my thoughts over to my mom. Still nothing. I thought about my childhood instead. I barely remember anything with my mom... That's when it hit me. When I was 8, after my moms death, I was seriously injured. I was put into a medically induced coma so the swelling in my brain would go down. They said that my mental activity was so low that If the swelling hadn't gone down I would have gone brain dead. I dont remember much from that time, that's why I didnt realise sooner. I heard them tell my dad that some of my memory might be affected long-term, but I didnt hear the rest as I fell asleep, exhausted from suddenly thinking so much.
"AH!" I quickly brought my hand to my temple, feeling as if I had been hit in the head with a million knives. The darkness soon faded. My head still hurt like hell. It was the worst headache I'd ever had. The white began spreading again and the color. I felt the irresistible urge to cry. My heart hurt and I didnt know why. I began walking and soon I found myself at a dark gray building. The ache in my heart was making me feel empty. Like I was chewed up and spit out. Drowning in hurt. My head hurt so much, but I forced my way through the big, heavy doors. The room seemed to shift and change once I walked in. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, rubbing my temple. As I opened my eyes, I saw a black coffin. It was actually more of a really dark burgundy, but it looked black through my eyes. The darkness was this moment. Tears found their way down my cheeks and I didn't even realize it. I knew what this was. My moms funeral. There was no body for the casket, so the emptiness enveloped me. My will was gone. I was just a child. I didnt want to be without her. And neither did my father. He began drinking and ended up losing his job. I was empty inside. I was forced to grow up too fast. It took its toll. I forced a smile and brought my hand to the casket. The tears never stopped. They probably never will. I was sinking deep into my own sorrow and despair. I looked up and the sky was grey. It started to rain. What happened to the roof? I couldnt help but feel some sort of relief as the raindrops hit my face. This was me. I found happiness and a sense of release in the rain. The rain was like tears. It hurt for a while, but it clears up and gets better. The tears will vanish and all that is left is the memory.

Memory...