//
a toxic habit, the online forums said. a habit so terrible, it seemed to mend you and break you at the same time. a habit so wretched, that it had shattered his brain without giving up it's control over it, letting the glass reflect his lifeless insides over his once twinkling eyes and scrape down the soft freckled cheeks.
but it's okay, he thought. the damage wasn't as permanent as it could have been. after all, he had survived even if it wasn't expected.
yeah, his heart started making up a weird beat of it's own for a while.
(he liked to think his own heartbeat served an even more calming sound than the rain.)
yeah, his skin took a sickly pale hue after he had completed his most effective, three-month diet yet.
(his secret was eating guilt for breakfast.)
yeah, his bones got so weak that he had to take those stupidly gross vitamins that weren't prescribed to avoid any more visits to the hospital that he and his wallet couldn't afford, but—
his teeth remained pearly and his body looked sickly enough for people to stop and wonder if the boy ever ate.
sometimes, he missed such comments. the comments that were full of concern, but fueled him and fed that toxic part of him so well. like a comfort blanket, warm but scratchy, itchy with the feeling of liability weighing on his mind.
(his body alone probably weighed more than the thought.)
the thought alone made him feel like clawing at his muscled thighs, squeeze at the speckled cheeks, scrape along the delicate skin of his forearms, and resort back to his old ways.
though these days, he couldn't find any extra skin to grab.
but he couldn't now. couldn't go back to his old ways without anyone catching on. even if people were expecting him to. his friends and family would all be the type to say that it was okay, that it's part of the recovery process. shower him with what they thought were comforting words, but only translated to the absolute worst in his mind. what else would they say ?
(you're gaining weight.)
//
