"Sometimes admitting you're not okay, is okay."
•••••••••••••••••••••
Deep into the slumber blues of the darkness I feel my body floating peacefully onto the cold surface of the water. My heart beat is slow and steady waiting for the thunderstorm to erupt and ruin everything. Clothes shredded, blood shed, skin tough and soul abandoned, I was at the pits of it all and no one could help me.
I went to a nearby public pool in my neighborhood.
It was midnight and I was at the brink of having a breakdown. A mental breakdown down.
I broke open the gate surrounded by a thin fence surrounding the pool and entered the place. There were deflated floaties from earlier today and food products laying around from the people who were here.
I was high off a drug and very intoxicated. I was drinking almost every week now and it was mostly to numb the pain I was feeling inside.
I wanted to drown again and I wanted him to save me again. I want every detail to feel like that very day cause I wanted him to be here again, to feel his gentle hands pulling me out this water. Maybe he'd come again even if it was just for one moment, maybe he'd be mine again in a world that made sense for us to be together.
On my way here I bought a whisky bottle which was now half full cause I'd been drinking it the whole way here. I was feeling extremely unstable and felt like I could burst at any minute which I why I decided to come here and drown my sorrows.
It was therapeutic in some way, minus the part that I was drunk. I take another long drink of the whiskey bottle until it's empty and throw into the pool.
Fuck, I couldn't even see properly from the fucking tears coming out of eyes and the way I was extremely intoxicated by.
I felt like screaming.
I suddenly start shaking from the cold night air but I don't get out of the water. I sink underneath the water and start swimming. It feels like the world has stopped moving and I was the only person in it. I take comfort in it and feel myself move in slow motion and suddenly still underneath the water.
I continue swimming for what feels like the longest time and eventually get out and lay on the green grass which is near the edge of the pool where my feet are hanging. I lay down and look at the sky. The moon was full and the stars were out. It was so peaceful that I just wanted to cry.
I had to basically sneak out of the house so I wouldn't be followed around.
I was wearing nothing but my bra and underwear which were both wet from the swim.
I wanted to come here so I could get my head together and some therapeutic time alone to think about things.
Harris wanted me to have a part of his business.
I think that's what pulled the last straw and triggered me. I was such a mess, I couldn't even solve my own problems and he wanted me to run his business.
What about Chris or Sam?
Why couldn't he ask them?
I didn't know him for as long as they did and they knew everything about his business unlike me who only arrived yesterday. I obviously refused when he told me but he said he wasn't going to force me and was giving me time to think about it but I had already made my mind.
I sit up but as I do I see a tall dark figure at the far end of the pool, behind the fence. It's a man and as soon as I notice that he's starting at me my body starts to get chills.
I'm terrified.
"Who the fuck are you?" I shout in shaky voice. I try not to seem terrified but I was pissing my ass right now.
My beats starts to increase at an alarming rate and I start to regret leaving the house on my own.
It was my stalker.
He stands there for what feels like an hour and suddenly disappears like he was never there from the beginning.
The first rain drop hits my skin and then it suddenly starts raining hard. I quickly stand up grab my clothes, wear them and leave the place as quietly as I had come in, trying to control my shaky hands and breathe.
I was fucked.
••••••••••••••••
I park my bike infront of the apartment and switch the engine off. I would usually pass by here and stare at the place from afar hoping that my memories would come back to life but they never did. I don't know what I'm doing here nor what is it that's always pulling me back to this place. Maybe it's because it carried a significant part of him. A part that was still buried under these fallen walls and burnt down furniture.
It had been three days since I left the house after what happened that night. I was now highly considering moving in with Sam as much as I didn't want to I just couldn't be alone. I didn't tell anyone about what had happened and I wasn't planning on it.
I get off the bike and walk towards the building.
Marco really did a number on him when he burned down his club. It was nothing like how I remember it.
I make my way inside the building through the front entrance that used to be filled with people and a few men in suits who would be guarding the place. I carefully make my way in without stepping into the broken glass and make my way to the very table we sat in when we had our very first conversation in.
The table is still there just very badly burnt and in very bad condition. The place is filled with ashes, broken glass and spiders webs. I wonder why Luca never fixed this place up or at least sold it or something.
Maybe he was also holding onto it just like you are right now.
The tips of my fingers graze the table which we sat at. I can hear the light conversations of people and the light music playing in the background as he stared into my soul wondering about my past and who Taylor McKenzie really was.
I turn to where the stage was and suddenly the everything is no longer burnt and old but new and filled with people. I'm standing though and there's people sitting, eating and having conversation as I stand there and watch it all happen. I see that woman from the night on stage dancing on the pole as if her life depended on it.
Everything smells the way it did and everything seems to stop when I see him. His back is facing me and he's unmoving.
I came here to let go, to let go of him and to forgive him and forgive myself. I wanted Luca to stop visiting me in my dreams and I wanted his soul to rest in peace. I wanted to accept the fact that he was gone and I needed to move on with my life which is why when I saw him I didn't take another step towards him.
Everyone is suddenly looking at me with a huge grin on their face while hitting their hands against the table at a slow rhythmic pulse pressuring me to go to him. The tempo suddenly increase and now everyone is shouting at me to go to him, go to him and don't leave him.
Why did you leave him?
You left him to die?
Die..
Die..
My heart beat starts to increase at an insanely high rate and I feel my eyes becoming tearful and the fear and anxiety which suddenly consumes me. My body suddenly and instantly shuts down and I feel myself come crumbling down.
Small black dots start to invade my vision and I know I'm about to pass out. I'm having a panic attack and I know by coming here was too much for me and triggered a lot of deep rooted issues which my body could not contain and as I try hard not to, my body hits the hard floor and before I know it I'm swallowed by darkness.
