The Girl

i caught you!

My brother, a sad little soul, he cares for me. Ha, one person. I always knew he was depressed but I thought he stopped self harming, he promised me, I know how hard it is to stop. Trust Me. I know!

We were sat downstairs, celebrating my little sisters early birthday, when I saw fresh cuts on the tops of his arms. I caught you!

We were celebrating my sisters birthday because my father leaves at 5.45 every morning and comes back at 7.30 every night. Zoe is only two and therefore cannot stay up that late, anyway father had a day off today so we decoded to celebrate a day early!!

What a blast...

Untill I saw.

He seems so happy nowadays, he used to lurk in the shadows in a hoodie and tracky bottoms, now he wears jeans or 3 quarter lengths and a nice short teeshirt.

I'm the one in the shadows now, there are no pictures of me. I have snap chat but I only put pictures on there rarely and even then I get self conscious.

Today I found out, that I am on the schools cross country team and I am going to my counties championships at ysgol maergafon.

People keep asking me is this diary log about me ... (You readers too) and here is your answer , YES , it is about me. I hate my worthless life and I really want to die. Recently me and my friend Shannon had an argument and she took all of my friends with her. Now I have four friends;

Hannaaaaah,

Ffion,

Chloe and

Poppehh.

I love them all to bits but I'm scared of getting close because I move schools almost every year and I can't go through this again, its like a routine now, you get close to someone and then you move to a new country, for instance my father's looking for a job in Canada!!

I really want to go so I'm not getting close to anyone at the moment, even though he will have to wait a year, I just hope there will be nothing going on in class. I hate it as it is, running and exercising are my only escape and I'm starting to get collarbones and my hip bones stick out, now all I'm waiting for is a thigh gap and a rib cage that shows.

This just proves that your don't have to starve yourself to be skinny, just eat HEALTHY and exercise often and you will get to your designated weight :) good luck.

Anyway, I'm really down about my brother, I feel really upset and well, not annoyed but a bit cross. U know it's not his fault but when I promised him I threw away all of my blades and even told my mum about me to prevent me from cutting again. He didn't, he thinks I don't realise, I do. I really, really do. He doesn't care anymore, he thinks that I'm okay, you don't have to cut to be depressed and suicidal. I have had lots of attempts of suicide in my past and I'm scared that the word 'attempts' will turn into 'committed'.

I'm scared of myself. I know what I can do to myself....