Sleepless, a Poofless ff

Does it matter?

Listen to "Find My Way", By Killing the Messenger.

Chapter 16, Does it matter?

"Go away." Mat managed, regaining his voice. He stood, one leg in the taxi, eyes focused on Mitch.

"You can't make me, it's a fucking cab." Mitch retorted, pushing past him and entering through the other side. Mat looked around, desperate for some other form of transportation, but it was the only available option. Groaning, he sat, slamming the door and refusing to turn around. At that point the driver seemed incredibly uncomfortable, and he cleared his throat.

"Where to?" He asked.

Almost in unison, they mumbled, "Faxton St. Luke's"

"Damn it." Mat grumbled, pulling his feet against his chest. "Why the hell are you even going?"

"Does it matter?"

"Kind of."

"Well I don't think it does."

With that they stayed silent, sending occasional curious looks at each other, clearly unsure of what to do.

"I thought you hated them." Mat said, purposely exaggerating "hated".

"I already told you it doesn't matter."

"Then why are you even here if you hate us all so fucking much!" Mat yelled, extremely frustrated.

"I don't hate you..." Mitch whispered, rubbing his temples.

"Then why did you-" he was cut off by Mitch.

"Look, I get that I fucked up, I get that it's my fault, but you wouldn't understand anyways."

"Are you sure? Because I'm pretty damn sure I understand more than you." Mat spat back, ending the argument there.

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He had to tell the truth. He just had to. Rob lay back, remembering what Vikk's parents had told him. Remembering how upset they were, but how they cared more to counsel him first. Hey stayed there, the letter and phone in hand. Reluctantly, he looked at the phone, cringing at the amount of spam. People he hadn't talked to in years were now trying to contact him. Youtube had blown up with questions. I have to answer them.

Rob didn't want to be scared. He wanted to let go, and move on, but it seemed like he was trapped in a trench. Gathering his thoughts, he took a deep breath. Do it and get it over with. He put his phone on the shelf, pressing the record button.

"Hey guys...Rob here." He paused. "I know- I know that it's been a while, and I'm sorry... I have a reason. All of us do, and I felt  it was...my place to tell you what's happened, and this should explain everything." He shut his eyes quickly, breathing fast before picking up the paper in his lap.

"I don't want to think that somebody is reading this. That somebody has resorted to only remembering me by paper and ink, although it doesn't seem too bad either. I know I'm selfish. I know it's rash, stupid, and absurd to think that I would give in. It feels...wrong. Wrong- as in I can't see a future. It's almost like everything had to begin to crumble when I began to love it. I can't explain how, or why; but I feel like I'm trapped in place. The world is a huge trick. Everything goes away, and you feel...happy. But seconds later, you have nothing to lean on- nothing to distract you. I'm only thinking about myself, and I hate myself for that. That I can't overlook my own feelings for the sake of everybody else's well-being.

     I just feel so damn selfish. Rob...you've dedicated your entire fucking life to me recently- and I still can't appreciate that. I can't appreciate how many people support my career, my life, my goals, I just can't. I'm an asshole, taking advantage of what I have. There are so many people...grown up, with kids, a partner, a job. I'll never make it there anyways. It feels impossible. Some people say to do something huge before you die, commit a crime or something. All I've ever done was negative. So I guess all that's left is the dying part.

I'm not quite sure what I did, but it was enough to mess everything up. God...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Mom & Dad- remember when I was 16? I always regretted that. How many times I told you I hated you, how many people I hurt. I suppose I'm still hurting people. Nothing really changed. I ruined your lives- didn't I? Of course you wouldn't say that, but I know I did. Fucking everything up before I could barely walk. You told me that it was the past. But nothing has really changed.

Rob- I feel like a child. Like I have to be watched over, protected. It hurts even more, because I hassle you. I bet it's absolutely horrible, yet I still can't find sympathy. I'm sick of lying so you don't have to give up anymore of your time. I wish I could be as good a person as you- but I guess that's irrelevant now.

The guys- you'd always been there. Now you're gone. From a single thing. A fucking relationship. Well shit, I'm sorry, I guess I'm an asshole for having a love-life too. I probably don't even deserve it. Preston, I'm not quite sure if I even understand what's happening. I can't say much- considering I'm more of a mess than you. And...just about everyone else? I'm sorry. Again. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for... being weak, selfish, dumb, needy, desperate, and overall just an extra load.

I think...Some people are just meant to live. Meant to go on with their lives. In my opinion, I've fallen off of that wheel of life. Like I'm just not meant to...live.

I don't feel sympathetic anymore. I don't appreciate what I have. I hate myself for that, but I can't seem to change it. Nothing is changing. I'm not growing up, living my life, I'm not changing. I'm stuck in place and I can't stand it, because it makes me hate everything else.

I can't see myself doing anything more. If you see the future, strive to make it there. Please, just try.

-Vikram Barn"

Rob stared at his lap for a second, unsure if he should say something. With a single, sorrowful glance at the camera, he turned it off; refusing to cry.

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You are amazing. Can I just say that? If I was fucking Santa I'd give you all ponies for Christmas. 3K views? Damn.

Has anyone watched SOF yet? Best series idea ever. Sp33dy and Etho in the same video is too much for me to handle. Then there was Jerome, Ty, Palmer, Ant, and Adam all in the same videos. I feel like things are coming together. Seriously. It's nice.

THE BUBONIC PLAGUE IS SO MIDDLE AGES

Bye!