#nofilters

I

Oh my god , its the same old scenario repeated hundreds of times . I can literally see you looking me up and down with pity seeing a broken version of myself i regret to trust you with. I can hear you thinking "oh wow she is blowing things out of proportion again". I can predict exactly what you are about to say once I finish "talking abt what's bothering me" like you suggested and that it would undoubtedly make me feel a ton better. "Ohh its okay things will be fine you will get through it" ,"its all in your head", "have you tried working out or being more active in general", "omg gurl I've heard meditating and relaxing does wonders trust me", "hey stop sitting in the corner and complaining just go out and enjoy life" hahaha enjoy life "what about practicing a hobby to keep your mind off things?" Seriously you've gone so far!!! after all I've told you after telling you I barely have the energy to cover myself with the blanket lying underneath my legs when I'm cold, or that I have school books lying around that I promised myself I would get rid off tomorrow for the past 4 years, how about that I would rather starve myself than walk down that long ten feet hallway to enter the kitchen and get something to eat then go back down that hallway to my room and collapse out of exhaustion . Do you really believe this facade of lies you've been trying so hard to sell me? or deep down you do know that it won't help but its better to say something and sound useful pretending you've tried than say nothing at all am I right? Oh my god I wish I could tell you how exasperated I feel just hearing you say these words that don't help but add insult to the injury to remind me how incompetent I am, how unqualified I am, how ungrateful I am, how many ppl have it worse and that I should be thankful since I have no right to feel that way. But how do you even say those things to me when you have never experienced the amount of pain that I have endured, however you are right in a way, we are all fighting our own battles and I am not any special "Do you really need help?, in my opinion you are doing fine just feeling down for a bit its okay we all do at one point but take it as motivation to get through it all" omg boo I didn't mean it that way you know how much I love you but I just think you're overthinking things just get out of this mindset its simple" How do you have the audacity to make me feel like my problems aren't real, like I'm pretty much an attention seeker or a drama queen? . Oh god I feel worthless. I snap out of it look at u put on the same mask I've had for years and say "Aww I'm so grateful to have a friend like you, you seriously have no idea how you've helped me tremendously". I smile as bright as a girl could that I almost believed it was genuine. You bought it ,of course, I hugged you and told you how you're such an amazing friend and how I couldn't get through it without you. You, oh how I wish that you were just one person in my life but instead you are every person in my life with just a different name and face. As I wave goodbye to you and part ways I will be walking down the cold rough streets fighting off the tears as I racked my mind searching for someone else I know to confide in, someone who would accept my mental struggle and understand it while comforting me and telling me that they would help me through every step of the way, someone who wouldn't just talk to me for the sole reason to go around telling people how humane and kind you were towards me and getting praised for it, someone who would accept me even when I'm really hard to deal with which is most times, someone who would dust me off and believe in me, someone that I wouldn't regret bringing my walls down for ,someone who would actually try and not repeat the cliché words I've desperately heard from people online before I decided to reach out to any of my so called "friends". Till then I will be searching for a home in someone I don't even know exists.