My little out bursts. Feeling. Thoughts. Memories.

First little out burst, while sitting in financials

I wonder sometimes why people trust me with their biggest secrets! I mean I'm not saying it's a bad thing but, sometimes it puts pressure on me! I love my friends a lot, but when they are having problems I take them on a my own problems! Yes, they tell me don't take it on, "don't worry about me" but how can I not!???? Argh! It's just another rant but I need one! Does anyone care about me seriously other than family and a few of my friends that I can seriously trust and tell everything to them, but there has gotten fewer and fewer people. a lot of my friends think I have told them everything but I haven't I really haven't! I fall asleep at night worrying about multiple things, I'm stressing about exams even though I know I can do it and pass them. I'm worried about certain friend sand it's killing me!! I have seriously thought about moving schools. Not that my mum will let me, not that I totally want to, there are things and people holding me back from saying I'm moving!! The only place I seriously feel at home now is with my pony, so what I don't get is why do people want to take that away from me! If I let all my feeling out in riding isn't that a good thing? It's better than doing other things! I could go to a hill and scream me feeling out but it doesn't work! I have to feel movement and a strong powerful and feel beautiful for anything to work! I ride my pony who is at least 400kg she could smash me or throw me and kill me within seconds oh yea did I tell you that! You think being a horse rider is the easiest thing in the world! "You sit on ur bum and guide the horse!" Honestly if you say these words to me I will turn around and ignore you for the rest of my life!! "Horse riding easy!" Okay well if it's so easy come ride four of the horses I ride I will give you a massive lesson on each and your not allowed off the pm until they are sweating and working nicely! Yea I do that everyday! The pressure of horse riding for me Is massive! It's my life and it will be till the day I die! So get over yourself!!!! I'm not talking about one individual! Because this is just all the thoughts on my mind! Don't even get me started on exams! With the pressure of riding and training for this season im not studying! I'm tired every morning and barely being able to get out of bed! And that's a scary thought! I look forward to the weekend to just sleep! Oh but wait I have to get up and ride and go see the ponies! Hey I'm not gonna lie I have thought about dropping riding altogether, sometimes it'd make life easier I wouldn't be so worried about school and I'd have more of a social life! But my life is my ponies! I could cope without friends and everything as long as I had a pony to gallop and ride! Even just the thought of not riding for a week does my head in! If my pony goes sore and I can't ride her I start to get depressed and I can't physically function properly! I get so sad over nothing! I over react at many things and I just can't cope im not me!!! I feel like I'm not in my skin I feel like I shouldn't be doing anything except riding!