On The Edge

A Letter To The Boy I Loved

I never would've thought that this would be how we end,
I never thought that we would end

After the first week,
I knew you'd be a friend for life

After the first date,
I knew I was ready to fall in love with you

After the first month,
we stopped talking to each other completely-
Correction, you stopped talking to me completely.

Hours of talking nonstop,
Days of connecting on the most personal of levels,
Weeks of falling for each other...

All ruined in one day,
one night,
one conversation.
A mistake made that had the best of intentions.

How could you so easily walk out of my life like that?
You said you wanted me in your life, that I was too good to not have in your life.
Despite the unfortunate circumstance and timing of us meeting, you were still willing to come back to be with me.
I was ready to wait for you.
Was it all a lie, did you ever love me at all?
Or was the discovery of all my emotional baggage too much?

We were perfect for each other,
we were made for each other.
Even you agreed that we were the exact same.
But despite the 99% of similarities we shared,
the 1% difference still won.
My trauma that differentiated us was enough to overpower everything that we shared in common.

But that seems to be a reoccurring issue,
my family being burdened by my trauma.
My friends being drained by my emotional instability. 
Maybe you aren't in the wrong,
maybe I'm the issue.

I take a toll on everyone who comes into my life.
I can't bear to be alone for too long or else I'll realize how much I hate myself.
So it was me, it was all me.
I ruin one of the best things that could've happened in my life,
and I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm going to miss you so much,
I already miss you so much.
I stare at my hand and imagine your fingers intertwined with mines.
Then I stare at my wrist and imagine putting an end to this pain.
I listen to music that I planned on listening with you that will now
haunt me with the memory of you.

I truly loved you, I was in love with you.
And I may sound foolish, "the boy who loved too easily."
But I've never felt the feelings I had with you before,
I've never felt the type of connection to another human being that I had with you.
I've never shared these feelings for someone who actually shared them back for me.

So for that, I thank you
Thank you for giving me some of the most amazing memories that make me cry my eyes out thinking of now.
Thank you for giving me a taste of what it felt like to be loved and wanted.
Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of love and that I deserve to be cherished.
Thank you for proving to me that I'm strong enough to survive a heartbreak.
I have to survive this heartbreak.

This letter may be a bit long but there's so much I had to say to you.
So many more words and stories and experiences and moments to share with you.
Goes to show how abruptly things ended between us,
goes to show how no one is permanent in your life. 

I imagined a life with you, but now you're gone.
You're gone and I have to accept that,
this is me trying to accept this.

And to this, I bid you goodbye,
I'll never forget you no matter how badly I want to.
But I will heal from you,
heal from this heartbreak.
I will be okay.