A melting candle.

chapter seven- beautiful pain

Im so done faking smiles and saying im okay when im not. I hate being a burden but I should stop thinking im one.

That Thursday night took the air out of my lungs. Walking the Mkushi streets naked was the worst form of humiliation. I would have committed suicide but no im better than that. Im glad I didn't give in, even when my hope faded.

I loved Theodore , I believe he loved me to. Times change , it was then and this is now . I testify that the familiar life crumbles so a new one can begin. Our love was amazing , It was the most wonderful thing to happen to me. My voice echoes in my mind , " never hold together that which must fall apart let him go....it will be alright."

I miss Elizabeth dearly , I wish so much that she would have told me the truth instead of lie about Peter. I would have loved her still with all my heart. We all got flaws and never should we talk dirty about others. Elizabeth was gold and an irreplaceable jewel , the truth hurts and the truth is she is no more. I miss her chocolate dark skin and the beautiful smile she owned .
The truth stays the truth she is six feet underground.

For Peter im so thankful, he will always be my hero . Without him I would still be stuck in the dark. Self blaming , banging doors and screaming at blue painted walls. Lamenting on my poor soul. Peter's kindness and compassion outshines. His words are a handful of hope .
Don't lose hope, please stay strong. Keep moving forward.
There will be another chance.
Another love,
But there will never be another you.
I don't mind melting like a candle just to light your way.
Make me your candle and also be someone's candle.

Josh my therapist says," I know you hate therapy . I know you only take coffee when depressed. You are the greatest actress of pain. You know how to hide it well. Tormented by your past and you still remain silent.
You bottle up thoughts and emotions . Never be afraid to open up. Take care of you and speak your mind. Don't suffer in silence.
Mental illness is not a choice. Being raped , Elizabeths death and losing Theodore were not part of your plans.
Mental illness is not a result of sin . It starts slowly with being negative , self blaming and never letting your voice be heard. It's okay not to be okay.
Mental illness is not weakness. Don't hate sympathy . Yes you feel vulnerable, let your vulnerability become your strength. Talk to someone. Not all wolves are bad wolves.
Mental illness is not attention seeking. Hallucinating is not personal failure. Schizophrenia is not something to be ashamed of.

Stop the stigma,
Stop self blaming and shaming.

Hey you reading this , thank you!, for reading this far. I love you and I wouldn't love you to end your life on a tiny error. I know I ain't the best author.
I just want you to know your life is precious. Don't let your dark thoughts overshadow your good.
You ain't an Humpty Dumpty, put your self back into pieces.
Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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