we'll see the colours soon ; onew x taemin

two

jinki didn't plan at all to miss the doctor that much. no, wait. he didn't miss the doctor, he just missed not feeling at his worst while talking to him.
that's what he thought.
he never felt the need to have someone constantly there for him because he never had the chance to have that someone. he wasn't used to chat randomly with someone bright like taemin, who made his job appear like it was a pleasure to him. jinki still worried a lot because he had this damn fear to be a burden. he was never able to not feel like one. he did it unconsciously, it was almost like there was a little voice inside his head telling him what a burden he was to people, that no one would ever like him, that no one would ever want to listen to him. but taemin did. and he didn't know how to feel about that. is he doing it cause it's his job? yes, it had to be like that for sure. there were no other answers. jinki sighed, staring at the ceiling while laying in that uncomfortable and too little bed. it was only five am and he couldn't fall asleep. he had been awake for hours, now. he decided to go under the sheets and closed his eyes, maybe he would have fall asleep from time to time.

next morning was awful. he woke up at seven am with an horrible headache and he felt as if he would have die at any moment. his head was killing him and the moment right after he had stood up he almost fainted. however he managed to go to the bathroom, take some painkillers and drink a glass of water. he then sat again on his bed and covered his face with his hands. why?, why does it have to go like this every day? jinki suffered often from random headaches, but the ones who hit in the morning hit really differently.
since he couldn't get any sleep at that point, he waited until his headache started fading away and he then reached the bathroom again to take a cold shower. he then put on some blacksweatpants and a big jumper and sat on the bed, hugging his knees closely to his chest.

taemin knocked at the door, waiting for jinki to open for him, and greeting him right after with a huge smile. jinki just hummed in response and the two of them took their respective sits.

-"have you slept well, jinki?" said taemin with his bright smile on his lips. jinki sent him a glaze and just shook his shoulders.
-"I literally almost died because of an headache."
-"oh, that sounds harsh. how are you feeling now?" taeming gave him a sad look. in fact, he had noticed jinki was literally like a walking dead.
-"better. but I'm tired and still can't sleep." he sighed and looked at taemin's eyes in a sad way. taemin couldn't figure out why, but that morning jinki had a particular low battery. maybe it was the little sleep he had gotten. others had told him jinki suffered from a terrible insomnia, but that morning the boy literally seemed on the verge on death. so taemin had another idea.
-"would you mind if I talk for a bit?" he didn't want to bother jinki that more since he was in a critical situation. he just wanted to comfort him and make him know he was there for him, so he preferred to be the one who would have talked. jinki said that would have been great, and he seemed somewhat thankful taemin didn't make him speak and waste some more energy.
"tonight I had a really bad dream. I can't remember it, but I woke up covered in cold sweat and I couldn't fall asleep anymore. that was though. it is crazy how much can a dream disturb our sleep, isn't it?" jinki nodded in silence. he sighed, and looked out of the window.
-"dreams aren't the only thing who make sleep though." taemin didn't really know how to respond to that. he knew jinki was going to say or think something like that, but he didn't think he had the right answer to it.
-"I do think so too. are there any things that you think help you with sleep?"
-"well that's pretty.. difficult. I don't really know." jinki sighed again (was it the fifth time that morning?)
-"I like writing before bed. it's pretty tiring too, and if something's turns great I feel proud of it." taemin smiled. he remembered writing a lot, but really, a lot. he wasn't super good at it, but he had a lot of fantasy and the things he wrote were, well, put together in a good way.
-"my writing is not that good." said jinki.
-"well mine too. I had been the last in my korean class for two year!" jinki laughed a bit and taemin made a sulky face, "don't make fun of me!" he said turning the other way pretending he was mad.
-"how touchy are we?" this time jinki laughed loudly, and taemin couldn't help a smile, too. he turned again to jinki and smiled again, this time almost bursting into laughter. jinki thought he was beautiful.

-"well, this was just to make you understand that you don't need to be a poet to write. I've written a few good things over the past years."
jinki frowned. maybe I could try, well, maybe he could, maybe his poor self esteem didn't allow him to do that. he sighed and taemin couldn't get why he got so sad in just one second.
"is everything okay, jinki?" jinki sighed again and covered his face with his hands.
-"no. no it isn't. nothing's okay. why the hell do I have to feel like this.." he was almost trembling now and he hated being that emotional. stop it, stop it! his mind was screaming at him to stop being so pathetic, he was literally almost crying and he couldn't stand that. what the hell happened right now? why did he feel like tears coming? why did he have to be like.. that.

"I hate myself." he sighed again, uncovering his face and cupping his cheeks with his palms.
-"what went wrong right now?" taemin asked, looking at him in the eyes, speaking softly and keeping a ghost of a smile on his lips.
-"I don't know. my mind just seems to not get me to do anything. I'm not good at writing, I'm not good at anything."
taemin sighed.
-"I may have a solution to that." taemin wasn't really sure that would help. he knew you just can't make things right, you can't think to change everything in one second, recovery isn't linear and recovery isn't easy. jinki suffered, a lot, he just couldn't think to be his saviour doing literally anything. but he tried. he wanted to. for jinki.
"when the voices get loud, answer them. be sarcastic, be harsh to the voices." jinki looked at him in disbelief, what the hell was he saying now?
"uhm, well, let me see..try this. tell me something your mind often tells you." jinki stopped to think for a moment. there were plenty of things his mind told him. a tons, in reality.
-"that I'm a burden to people because I'm annoying and not funny at all."
-"well, first of all if you were a burden to people I would not be here. second, if you're not funny and you're not annoying then neither you are." taemin answered in a calm ton, with a proud smile on his face. jinki seemed a bit surprised, but decided to keep on.

-"and that I should die cause people leave better without me." taemin didn't think about it twice,
-"how can I know if people leave better without me if I don't stay with them and leave?" the two of them stayed silent for some seconds, then jinki spoke
-"wow." he looked into the other's eyes and seemed, for once, calm.
"the voice has stopped." taemin smiled brightly.
-"see? you should answer this way. try to be rude. try to answer so she doesn't know how to reply back. you should surprise her, somewhat let her speechless. don't ignore her, try to agree with her but find something that will make her shut up. you know, something like.. er, I know I'm a burden but if I'm a burden then you're too, if I'm not funny you're not too, if I kill myself you die, too. maybe this would help." taemin smiled as his usual, looking through the bid window where the sun was shining in a yet cold morning of january. he then looked at the ceiling, staring blankly at it, taking a big breath.
"you know, jinki" now he was staring at jinki, but not right in his eyes. he seemed zoned out. "I can't say things will be perfect, nor good. things never become good. we are not wizards, we do not have superpowers and we don't even have the mental strength to make something good. but this will get better. someday, somehow. this line will go a bit up. not very high, but I can promise you it won't go down either. and if it will, I'll be there to help you reach the highest point you'll be able to. you're not gonna be forced neither I'll be here to insist on how you're feeling and shits. that's not how recovery works. we are not made to make everything great. this is not linear and you'll probably fall again lots of time. I just wanna you to think this is okay. it is okay to fall tons and tons of time. but this will get better, I swear."

jinki seemed really surprised. he felt glad. he felt so damn glad taemin was able to stop the main thing causing his suffering. he had never been able to do that, nor the doctors. he had always been told it would get better, that he had to explain why did he was feeling bad and why he hurt himself. taemin didn't. taemin didn't tell him it was going to be good. taemin told him it was going to be better. he didn't pretend things could be better, tho, he didn't let jinki think he was a superhero, that he could make him feel super good, but jinki knew taemin was there for him. he knew the doctor would have done anything. taemin didn't understand jinki, but he listened. he understood jinki wasn't perfect and had his flaws, he understood he made wrong decisions and didn't want him to be perfect. jinki was on the verge of tears, speaking frantically, but he smiled, a true smile. and the moment right after he felt hot tears on his cheeks.
but it was going to be better.

I love these two :( I'm sorry if there's any grammar or spelling error, hope you enjoy❤️