Plan C(armen)

tuesday.

Sometimes I feel like I do everything wrong. You know what I mean?
Sometimes I feel like I was just a glitch in the system and I was never meant to be here. What exactly was my purpose on this earth? I do everything wrong — the only thing I seem to do right is pose for the camera.

There was something I wanted to say. Fuck, I forgot. What was it?

Oh, never mind, I remember. What would my religion be? I wouldn't say I am a atheist and I wouldn't say I'm a Christian. I do believe that there is a God, but I believe in each and every one of them. I don't understand how this group could have a God and this other group just doesn't. I also don't get why people tell atheists that they are going to go to Hell. How are they going to go to a place that they don't even believe in?

Now, remember what I said about how sometimes it seems like things are going good and there is going to be a happy ending? Yeah, these are one of those days. I don't think I'll ever forget this day. Ever. My life was permanently changed this day.

I was currently making Carmen her favorite breakfast while she slept, snuggled up with my pillow in my big ass bed... As she put it.

As I go to place breakfast next to Carmen, I notice a mark on her body. Well, that's an understatement. I notice multiple marks on her body.

I pull the cover back, examining her body further. She shivers from the coldness but I pay no mind as my eyes looking at the horizontal mark on her body. This wasn't here when I last visited And I could tell it was fresh -- as if it was the last three weeks fresh. Maybe even two.

"Carm, what is this?" I say, waking her from her sleep. My breathing was starting to go erratic.

I was attempting to keep my hands to myself so that I wouldn't search her body for anymore marks. Carmen stirs, pulling the cover under her head.

I could feel myself getting ready to do something impulsive. I wasn't particularly good with keeping my emotions in check so I clasp my hands together and count to five.

One.

Two

Three.

Four.

Five.

Inhale. Exhale.

I try again, this time placing a hand on Carmen's shoulder and shaking her slightly until she woke up. her eyes flutter open and a hand goes to her eyes before rubbing viciously and saying good morning to me.

"Good morning. What's this?" I question, pulling the cover to the side to expose her smooth thighs. We both examine the marks all over her thigh before our eyes match each others again.

"Scratches."

"From what? Why are there so many?"

"If I were cutting myself they would be straight." She says, giving me a blank stare. My heart is literally beating against my ribcage. I can feel every thump and practically hear the blood flowing through my veins.

"Don't avoid my question, Carmen."

It should be noted that maybe this was a hint. Carmen easily could've been trying to harm herself but since she knew everything about my mom and my twitter account, she decided to keep the truth to herself.

Or, she is telling the truth.

"Calm down, babe. I had a nightmare a couple of weeks ago and I was scratching in my sleep. It wasn't intentional. I'm okay." She gives me a sad smile before blowing me a kiss. I observe her for another moment. I don't know what to do. God, I wish I knew what to do.