Shipping Wars

Hoc est Bellum

Gah! Kyle looks pissed. Oh God, that's never good! What if he blows our cover?! Ah! That would be way too much pressure! Someone punched my arm lightly. I glare in their direction, but then realise it's just Craig.

"Tweek, calm the fuck down." Gah! How does he know how to read me so well? Wait, he said to relax. Come on... relax... Jesus! That's way too much pressure! Oh God, I need more coffee.

"M'kay, now that the boys are back we will get on with today's lesson. N-Now class, PC Principal is upset, M'kay, because you haven't been taught homosexual sex ed yet, M'kay. Especially since we seem to have a growing number of homosexuals in the class."

"There are no homosexuals in this class!" Kyle yelled angrily from his chair. Oh God.

"Kyle, I wouldn't expect this level of ignorance from you," said Wendy hotly. "Stop being so bigoted in front of Tweek and Craig!"

"I'm not being bigoted! The two of them are pretending to be gay for some unknown reason! Neither of them are actually gay!" Ah! How did he work it out?! Okay, relax, relax.

"Kyle. If I say I'm gay then I'm fucking gay dude. Just because you're confused about your own sexuality, and refusing to admit you're camp as fuck doesn't mean you should take your anger out on me and Tweek." Gah! Kyle is practically seething with anger. Craig is good at this whole act though. The whole room is way too quiet and that is way too much pressure.

Mr Mackay isn't even telling Craig off for swearing! He used to tell him off for swearing every time he did it but now we're 'out' he doesn't say anything. Once he even gave Craig some cash after he gave him the finger. That really pissed Craig off.

"Mmm kay, so who can tell me how gay men have sex?" Every single girl raised her hand.

"Mm Kay... It's good that so many of you know already. Wendy, how about, how about you explain." 

"Well first off the seme prepares the uke by..." I decided to block out whatever horrible process Wendy was talking about in favour of watching Craig and Kyle have a staring contest, which was getting tense as fuck! Eventually Kyle gave up because no one can beat Craig at a staring contest; I don't actually think he can blink. Oh God! What if something gets in his eyes and he has no way to get it out? He might go blind! I forced myself to breathe deeply, go to my happy place and I managed to calm down a little.

Kyle then dropped his head to the table letting out groans that sounded like 'Why me?' I felt for him. I remember that being me and Craig not so long ago. Stan looked really confused, poor guy. Eric was smirking; that look he gets whenever he had some God-awful plan, and Kenny, well, he looked the same as usual, though, with his hood up he always looks the same.

I turned my attention back to Mr Mackay.

"Very good, Wendy, that sounded like a very accurate description." Seeing as Mr Mackey hadn't understood straight sex all that long ago I highly doubted he understood gay sex. I also had a feeling that Wendy had given the class a romanticised explanation, which was totally inaccurate. Oh God, now everyone knows the wrong information! Ah! "Mm Kay, now PC principal also wanted me to go over consent, mm kay, so, why don't the boys who just got the talk explain. Kyle, could you and whoever you're currently dating give us a demonstration? You're dating Stan, right?"

Before Kyle could yell at him in protest Wendy shouted, "No he's not! He's dating Kenny!"

"He's not dating Kenny; he's dating Eric!" screeched Red.

"Bitch, where is there even a single ounce of evidence for that? Kyman's a terrible pairing!" yelled Bebe.

"Oh, there's plenty of evidence hoe! Ask Nichole! Cartman confessed his love to Kyle in front of a stadium full of people!" she replied.