The Girl Who Cried

CHAPTER 11

I get to my apartment and i run directly to my room, bury my face in my pillow and scream. It's the first time i've ever felt so happy. Truly happy.

I didn't think twice before i pulled out my phone and texted her. "Hey." I texted. I didn't want to seem desperate so i left it at that. It sent but it wasn't opened. "Calm down Sam, maybe she's busy, maybe she's not home yet, maybe she's working." I whispered to myself as i placed my phone down and proceeded to change my clothes.

I crossed in front of my full body mirror as i was naked and i stopped to admire myself from head to toe. Brown hair grazing my round shoulders, slightly tan skin, slim neck, naturally medium and firm breasts, slim waist, slim-thick thighs, slim arms, short legs, and i never realised how cute my feet looked with red polish. I stared at my toes for a while as i wiggled them. I giggled internally at what i was doing.

Have i finally learned to love myself? I smiled at myself and laid naked on my bed for a while, enjoying the cool breeze on my slightly sweaty and tired body. I stared at the ceiling and began fantasizing about her. her beautiful ocean blue eyes, her wonderful curly hair, her warmth pressed up against my body, her gaze. Mmm i can't wait for the day i get to kiss her. Woah, i've never thought this way of a girl before.

I shake off the thought and try not to think of her too much because i can't help but think that it'll never happen. Suddenly a wave of depression hit me out of nowhere. A train of thoughts that would only make it worse. Was i about to break down again?

"She'll never love you that way."

"What if she already has someone?"

"It was a one time thing."

"She's going to embarrass you tomorrow."

"You're too ugly for her."

"She'll never love something like you, a disgusting whore!"

Whore, daddy's girl, meaningless, ugly, disgusting, fake, unworthy, slut, bitch!

All these words suddenly decorated my body and i was immediately filled with shame. I covered my "Hideous" body with my sheets and began to remember Jim wrestling me and forcing himself upon me, inside me. Maybe i am a whore...

I let him have my body, i masturbated to it later, now i'm seeing it all again. "Why me?" Softly escaped my lips as it began to feel harder and harder to breathe, from breathing to gasping for air in seconds. My eyes watering and my fists clenching. Maybe i don't deserve to be happy. Maybe i don't deserve someone like her.

Before i knew it, all happiness had disappeared and was once again replaced with anger, self hate, self pity, sadness, depression, anxiety. It took one bad thought to trigger everything else. I hate having to live like this, having to live everyday wanting to die.

Just as i thought of the darkest thought, my phone vibrated. My heart jumped. I was nervous and intrigued at the same time, i don't know what to do. I picked up my phone revealing a text from Jane.

A smile tore across my face. She saved me from my thoughts. I couldn't ask anyone for help but she answered my silent call. "Hey, Samantha right?" She texted. "yes, how did you know?" I replied curiously. "Easy, you're the only one i gave my number honestly :)" That remark gave me butterflies. A strange feeling i've never felt before, amazing yet scary.

"Wow, i'm honored haha." I replied awkwardly. "Sam, i really want to thank you for what you did earlier. Things have been tough for me and i never expected anyone to care the way you did, it really helped me a lot and i thank you so much for that. I'm happy to know i can count on you, you can count on me too :)"

My heart fluttered. Is this even real? I've never felt this kind of appreciation before in my life. From a stranger to a broken soul in my arms to now this? Everything became so surreal. "Thank you so much for that, i really appreciate it, you have no idea!" Little did she know how much she actually meant and how blissful it was to have the warmth of her body pressed up against mine. That one moment was heavenly. And ooh that kiss, mph... i felt my cheeks getting warmer and warmer to the point where my face was nearly fully red like a strawberry.

"No Sam, thank YOU, so much. Thank you for holding me and calming me down, thank you for stopping what could've been tragic, thank you Samantha, thank you." Wow... my day could not get any better. "M-... my pleasure." I texted back. By now i was no doubt red as a strawberry and just wanted to curl up in a ball and scream.

"You sit alone at lunch right? like by the school entrance?" She asked. There was an initial sting. I didn't know that she knew. This was true, i sat alone because i doubted anyone would ever accept me as a friend and i knew everyone already judged me. "Yeah, why?" I asked, noticing my mood showed in the text.

"I'm sorry, i know that came out wrong, i didn't mean to..." Fuck! I fucked up again like i usually do. I made her feel bad. It's all my fault. "No no no, i'm sorry, just curious hehe." I replied trying to mask my feelings as usual. "I just wanted to invite you to sit with us. We're just a group of 3, we could even it out if you want."

Maybe this way we could get closer. Do i really love her? Mph i want her... Wait should i do this? I don't know. My mind was having an endless battle with itself and my heart just questioning if i want her that way or not. I've never felt this way for someone before.

Her smiles made me smile and her laugh made me all fuzzy inside. I can't fully understand this feeling but i like it, whatever it is. Her hair like waves of sunshine beaming down from the heavens, her beautiful eyes that pierced my soul, her voice like an angelic song, her lips looked soft as silk, her beauty was incomparable. Without her knowing, she was unintentionally making me fall more and more in love with her. It was a feeling i've never really felt before.

The way she cried in my arms, fell asleep on my chest and kissed my cheek made me red as a strawberry. My imperfect hellhole of a life just became a little more bearable.

I decided that she was my happiness and i wanted her for myself. She was the one i needed to fix my hellhole of a life.

Realisation hit me that my mother was extremely homophobic so she wouldn't support me in any way. I don't have to tell her right? That i like a girl? Breathe Samantha, breathe... My phone buzzed and it pulled me out of my thoughts. "Feel free to join us if you want. I gotta go, i'll talk to you soon Sam :)"

"Talk to you soon Jane." i replied happily. I buried my face in my pillow and squealed so loud that i feared my neighbors thought i was getting murdered. My feet kicked up and down and my face was warm and red like a strawberry. I was so happy for the first time in a while.

My phone began to vibrate, pulling me out of my lovey dovey trance. My happiness turned to shock when i saw who was calling...