The Cleansing Process

Part 1- SIXTEEN

Life is good!

Pushing the small, silver yale key into the lock of our ageing front door I close my eyes and hold the optimism tight in my chest before I place a trembling hand flat against the flaking brown paint and allow a smile to slide over my lips.

Throwing open the door I'm met by the scent of fragranced candles It snakes it self around me and envelopes me in the warm air of home. I call out to my Mother but as usual my call goes unanswered and the warm, sweet smelling house lies silent. The Spring sunshine floods in through the patio doors at the other side of our narrow living room. The black leather look couch gleams like plastic in the sunlight and the fluffy lilac cushions seem to glimmer against it.

Standing in the doorway to my home I have never felt so happy or so alive as I kick off my white Adidas running shoes and bump the door shut with my behind.

The shoes had been a 16th birthday present from my mum. It had only been 2 months since the big day but already so much had changed, or should I say I had changed so much.

Standing alone on the cream and beige patterned rug that sits in the middle of our living room floor I bathe in the sunlight as I surrender myself completely to the smile that keeps tugging at my lips.

Life is SO, SO good and I can't believe that I of all people can bring myself to say that so passionately or so resolutely.

I repeat the sentence out loud, over and over again and then in a sing-song voice as I dance the length of the room. I flamenco out of the sunlight and in to the shadows then out of the shadows and back in to the sunlight, the significance of that statement stops me in my hip swinging steps.

Out of the shadows... out of the darkness and in to the light. The type that burns warm on my face as I pick up and then plant a kiss on the portrait of my baby sister that sits nestled in a sterling silver frame. I look down on her and the abundance of perfect brown curls that frame her chunky cheeks and her huge brown eyes with the longest most lushest lashes I have ever seen on a human being. I kiss the picture once more before placing it back on to the wooden corner unit and then continue my dance out of the living room and in to the kitchen.

Catching sight of the first ever picture taken of us as a family of three that my mother has only recently attached to the front of our tall, white, fridge/freezer, the one that stands surrounded by an abundance of pine cupboards, high and low, everywhere you go, I smile widely once more and allow my hopes to soar.

The impossible IS possible, NEVER say never, there really is NO such thing as can't.

A tsunami of cliches flood my brain and I clench my fists so tightly that my ragged, chewed nails threaten to break the surface of my skin, but even the early Spring rain that has soaked through my 'man sized' black t-shirt, causing it to cling coldly to my flesh cannot extinguish the burning ball of optimism thats currently bouncing around the inside my stomach.

I shake my head softly and smile at my mums idea of 'interior design'. Pine cupboards stand on wooden look lino and white tiles with pictures of vegetables cover the wall behind the sink before I take a sharp right and enter our small, downstairs 'bathroom'.

A white porcelain toilet sits at the far end of the narrow room and a white sink sits between me and it.

Taking another deep breath, I let it exit over my lips as slowly as possible before finally regaining complete control of my breathing.

Stepping forward I stand before the large, gold framed mirror that hangs above the sink. Its way too big for this room but as with everything else in this house, it was 'on offer' and my mother can never refuse an offer. It takes a second or two for me to gain the courage to look up but when I finally do, I find myself face to face with a girl I barely recognise.