The Diary of Ryan Ross

chapter four

September 18, 2004

considering it's Saturday, I tried to sleep in. six am is not an ideal time to wake up every. fucking. morning. all teenagers can relate to me, im sure of it. this isn't the greatest life to live.

I needed the extra rest, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks so. at around 7, my dad opened my door, without knocking.

"dad. there's this thing called knocking."

"your friend is here."

"I don't have friends." i said, pulling my pillow over my head.

"tell that to the kid downstairs." I sat up. "cmon george, I don't have the energy to tell him to leave." I hated when he called me George. he thinks I like it. I don't.

"but yet you have the energy to walk upstairs?" I waited for him to leave but he just kinda chilled by my door. "fine, im getting dressed." he nodded and left the room. without closing the goddamn door. I rolled out of bed, still wondering who the fuck was downstairs. the only one who knew my address was brend-

brendon.

I pulled on the first shirt in my drawer and ran downstairs. sure enough, brendon sat on the couch next to dad. they were talking and, like the rude bastard i am, i decided to eavesdrop.

"sooo you're friends with my son?" sometimes I'm embarrassed to call him my dad.

"yeah. ryan is awesome." brendon smiled. I could get used to that smile.

"you have to understand something about George. he's... different." fuck. no.

"what do you mean, sir?"

"I mean he...he isolates himself in his room a lot, he rarely eats. I'll hand him a whole plate of food and he just stares at it. he's depressed. The only time he goes outside is when he has to go to school. and- this may not be true- but I believe he might be... suicidal." I chewed my bottom lip. shut up, dad.

"he is?" brendon asked.

"I... well I don't know. when we were packing to move here, I was getting all of our laundry together- it needed to be done and I'm the only one who knows how to do laundry in this family. anyways, I was taking the sheets off of his bed and ten or fifteen papers came flying out from under his mattress."

nononononono. brendon looked anxious and God knows I was too.

"I read through them. all of them. and they were all suicide letters-beautifully written, but nonetheless. I trashed them, hoping the rid of his death notes would end his suicidal thoughts."

"I had no idea, mr. ross."

"neither did I. I just don't want to see a world without him. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to him."

"neither would I." i walked into the room. this conversation needed to end before it got worse.

"hey brendon. dad." my dad waved slightly. he knows I've been listening. brendon stood up and hugged me. "woah hi."

"I missed you." no. he's nervous. he must think that, by not hugging me, I'll be even more depressed or something. this is not what I wanted.

"it's only been, like, 24 hours."

"I know. you can't leave me for so long." thanks dad. now I won't hear the end of this.

he pulled away and turned to my dad. "may I take your son out to go get like breakfast or something?" he nodded. brendon grabbed my hand and ran for the door. "I've got the greatest thing planned for today." he said.

"that's not promising."

"oh, yes it is."

.

we ran for a few minutes until I ran out of breath. he looked like he could run another ten but I just couldn't. he let go of my hand. I run out of breath pretty easily. not really used to running long distances.

"so uh what's your plan for today?" I asked. I can't help the whole "uh um uh" situation. a side effect of being me.

"so you know how it gets cold at the end of september?" i nodded. "well I know of a place where there's water. and we can swim since it's not yet cold. we should take our last chance to swim now!"

"horrible idea."

"great idea. there's a lake a little further from here. and you and I are gonna swim like we've never swam before." so we walked on. at the time this seemed like an awful idea. brendon wasn't exactly the best influence. I feel like a jackass when I'm around him.

but getting wet and half naked with the hottest guy ever sounds pretty nice.

the lake was behind a couple of houses, a bit concealed by some trees. he smiled.

"here we are." we ran down to the lake. he lost his shirt on the way down, a sight I've been dying to see since day one. he looked at the water, then at me.

"Aren't you gonna take off your shirt?" I blushed. "you can't swim fully clothed. takes away the fun."

"there's no fun in swimming naked, either."

"you're no fun, ross." he took a step closer to me and reached down to the hem of my shirt. he traced his fingers over the fabric before slowly pulling it off. I covered my chest with my arms. "that's better." he whispered. he reached for my hand and pulled me into the water.

I haven't gone swimming in years. I forgot how cold the initial touch of the water is on your skin. I jumped back a little but brendon pulled me in again.

"is it always this cold?" I said.

"nope! it's just fall, so the water's cold." he smiled that perfect, award winning smile. "cmon. live a little, ryan!"

"I told you this was a horrible idea. I'm freezing!" he swam over to me and put his arms around my waist. we were two layers away from being totally naked and he was hugging me.

"warm, now?"

"not really." I felt kinda douchey for complaining but if I get this kind of attention from him, who cares? he ran his hands up and down my back, accidentally running his hands over my ass every now and then. I reached over to wrap my arms around his neck. he smiled.

"brendon?"

"ryan?"

"I apologize in advance for this." he raised his eyebrows.

"for wh-" I pressed my lips against his. it was just like how i hoped my first kiss would be, only better. his lips were soft against my chapped ones. it only lasted for a few short seconds but I enjoyed every bit. I pulled away. he looked confused. or maybe duly horrified.

"I'm sorry. I kinda had to do that. at least once." i took a step back, which is incredibly hard to do in the water. he reached for my hand and pulled me back in.

"do it again, loser." he smiled, running his fingers through my soaked hair. I leaned in to kiss him again. it was different this time, not necessarily better though. he lips collided with mine in some desperate rhythm, like we had waited forever. at least, I had. he rubbed my hips with the palms of his hands. I ran my tongue over his bottom lip and he laughed, somehow never breaking our kiss.

I pulled away, not because I was bored, but my legs were numb from the frigid water. he leaned his forehead against mine.

"no one can know about this." I whispered. he cocked an eyebrow. "you've got a reputation to keep, urie. and my dad needs to think I'm straight."

"okay." he whispered back. not exactly sure why we were whispering. "so uh this is happening?"

"yeah. If you want it to." brendon smiled.

"you'll be my best kept secret." he said, running his fingers over mine.

hegivesmebutterflies.

so long and goodnight,

-ry