The Diary of Ryan Ross

chapter five

October 19, 2004

I apologize for not writing for so long. things are complicated and school is getting harder. I'm just now getting back into the swing of things.

almost.

everything is different now. Not, like, bad different. No, good different. I would say great different but it's not great, if you know what I mean. Things get better, but never perfect. I wouldn't expect things to be perfect. That would be silly of me.

So. Let me fill you in on what's happened in the month or so i have failed to write you.

Spencer invited me to smoke with him after school last week. I was honored. I had never been asked to smoke with or do anything with someone for that matter, and apparently that was a big deal at this school.

He drove me over to the drugstore (so he could buy them) and then he dragged me behind the building. I let him borrow my lighter, since he failed to bring one. He muttered a "thanks" before giving it back so I could ignite mine. We stood there in silence for a few moments, smoking our cigarettes.

"Are you and Jon together?" I blurted out. I had been dying to ask this question.

"Is that any of your business?" He asked, blowing smoke in my face.

"No, but I want to know. C'mon, Spencer. We can be friends, you know?" He faced the alleyway we were currently standing in, ignoring me. I decided to give up; it is his life. I'm not his best friend. Or maybe I'm not his friend at all. Why should he tell me his personal information?

"We are no longer a going concern. Yes, we were dating. For about three years. I started dating him freshman year, if you know how to do math. I had a crush on him for two years prior to that. after two years of waiting, I got the guts to ask him out. And then we were in love. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was just another notch in his bedpost. We were in love though. And now we're not. Well, he's not. I am." He crushed his cigarette against the sidewalk.

"I didn't know. I'm sorry." He dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Did you and Jon actually fuck?"

"Are you dating Brendon?"

"Answer me." He raised an eyebrow. I guess I shouldn't fuck around with Spencer. He's bigger and better than me. I'd be dead in a second, either physically or socially. if you know what I mean.

"Yes. We are. Don't tell anyone or I'll rip your fucking head off." Haha, good one Ryan. He smirked. Maybe that's a good sign.

"We fucked once or twice. Hell, probably like seven or eight. I don't know. Lost count after a while. But I wouldn't call it fucking, to be honest. It was love making. Because it was love. Not some fucked up one night stand."

"So you're a fairy?" I just learned that word! It's not very nice, though. I heard some guy in the hall talking about Jon. He referred to him as a fairy. I asked Spencer what that meant and he told me. It's just a "nicer" way to say fag. It's not nice; they just don't get in trouble if they say it in front of teachers. Spencer told me never to repeat the word. I felt bad for disobeying, honestly.

"You are too, fairy." He said, smiling. I liked his smile. It was sweet, sincere. He hid behind this rough expression. But when he let down his walls, he was beautiful. Gorgeous. Flawless. I can't find a better word to describe him.

"You should make up with Jon."

"Not in the cards." He said, his smile fading.

"I can make it happen." I probably can't, but I want to see Spencer smile again.