Music in me

Chapter 2

Elena

Age:15
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18th March 2019
Dear Diary,

Sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone makes you feel less burdened but since I don't trust anyone with my thoughts, I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to tell you. After all a Diary can't judge me. Trusting paper to pour your heart out is easier than trusting a person as paper never judges or betrays you like people could.

The main reason I'm starting a diary is because my mind is a mess. Too much is happening in life and half the time I can't even decode my own feelings. Everything feels so messed up and I feel like there is no one I can trust enough to share my feelings. I need an escape and what better way than to write it all down. Writing always makes me feel better and lighter than before.

It all started when I was seven years old. Eight years ago, I saw that the world was not perfect at all times. Seven year old me was naive enough to think that it was a one time thing. Everything just went downhill from there. Mum and dad tried to keep me out of the endless fights but that didn't work very well.

One would think that I would have gotten used to the endless arguments and screams filled with so much rage that it would make anyone run for cover but that's not how things work.
I have tried talking to them about it but the answer is always along the lines of- "You are way to young to interfere.", "This is between your father and I." or "don't overthink it. "

I feel like ripping my hair of at times. Why couldn't everything be normal for just once? What did I ever do to deserve this? With each new day comes a brand new fight that leaves my mom in tears,my dad storming out due to anger and me crying silently in my room, convincing myself that things would get better.

I am always told to express my thoughts and feelings but how can I do that when no one understands how I feel. The majority of the world is under the impression that if you are a teenager, you're thoughts and opinion are irrelevant because its just a 'harmonal stage where you don't understand the real world .' Not many realise that just because you are young doesn't mean that you don't go through pain, be it emotional or physical.

More than once in the past years I have wished that I could just erase everything and start fresh. I will also admit that I have wished that I was born into a different family. I know, I know, I sound like an ungrateful jerk but that's the truth.

I cry myself to sleep most of the nights and I have lost control over my emotions more than once but that's who I am. The main reason I don't want to talk to anyone about all this is because I know people won't take me seriously as I'm 'just a little kid'.

My family and childhood friends always say that I have changed a lot. I used to be really chirpy and talkative but now I've become antisocial of sorts. I like to keep to myself and I don't let anyone get too close me. As selfish as it sounds, I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't know how much more stress my brain can take. Everyone sees that I have changed but no one has ever tried to find the cause for it. Maybe if they tried, they would understand what it feels like to be trapped in your own thoughts. Insecurity and anxiety grew along with me which makes me unsure of my every move. I can't stop the small voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that I'm not good enough.

Somewhere in between these eight years, I lost my younger self and found a new me who seems to be the exact opposite of who I was.

Something I have realised is that no one is born with certain characteristics, your experiences forms you which means that you will always be changing with time.

I have a long list of things I do to escape from reality- I have started reading, painting , listening to music and now writing in my diary. All of these only require me and no one else.

I used to hate the idea of being alone maybe even afraid of the idea of having no one to lean on. With time, I have started to realise that I'm the only person I can lean on without the fear of falling down. I have started embracing myself for who I am. I feel like I'm constantly changing. It's come to the point where even if can't keep track but this time I know I want to change from the person others want me to be to the person I want to be.

Learning is never easy. I have learnt from life that pretending that everything is perfect doesn't make anything perfect. Even if my parents pretended like everything was okay, nothing would actually be okay. I have clinged on to my family and friends, never wanting them to leave me but I have come to the realisation that sometimes it's better to let someone go.

Realising this is hard but the truth is always bitter, isn't it? The fact remains that change is inevitable. People are going to come and go. You just need to try to not let it hurt you when someone walks away from your life. Best friends and family might become strangers leaving only memories behind but I am going to be the only person who is going to support myself all along.

It sure as hell hurts but pain just shows you that you are alive and that you are learning. I'm terrified of what the future holds in store but something that I'm coming in terms with is that fear, is just another reason to try harder.

I know now that life is not going to be perfect. People I love are going to leave and I'm going to have to deal with it.

I have looked up to my parents as superheroes all along. Something I didn't realise before is that superheroes are also humans and humans are never perfect. It still hurts the same when they fight before but it's a part of life.

I have realised that you can never be ready for the future but as long as you keep learning from experiences it's going to be alright, not perfect but definitely alright.

Guess that as you grow older, your opinions do change according to your experience...

Goodnight Diary,
Elena

Xxxxxx

That's it for this short story. I really enjoyed writing this and I have been wanting to write a songfic for a long time now and I love this song soooo much.

I hope you all enjoyed the story.
Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Don't forget to let me know about what you think:)

-Fangirl4eva18