YOU'LL ALWAYS COME BACK TO ME...

CHAPTER 40 - CLASH OF CLANS

James' POV...

I am still standing here, far away from her. After she cut the call I made, she's still there inside the booth, crying... Damn! This is grave and you cannot judge my feeling as melodramatic because you have no idea about the intensity I've got in yearning for a moment to be so close to her. And when I say close, I meant to place her in my arms. To wrap my whole body to protect her from what is causing her pain. I wanted to console her but how when the pain that she is enduring right now is the one I created. With all my honesty, I didn't mean what I said. I was just angry because... because... Damn! Why should I be angry with her? If she was enjoying his company, what was the point of getting mad at her? She was not my sister, neither my girlfriend. I am becoming pathetic, right?? No James... You are becoming possessive.

Fuck!! This isn't what I wanted to happen tonight. I could have done better than this. I had planned it all the whole day but I ruined the possibility. I thought I am good at this stuff but with her, I failed. I can't accept this. Yeah, she's a hundred percent pain in my arse! And you know what? I could have even ignored it because I am used to these kinds of women's whims and tantrums. Women who swoon over me were whipping themselves up with such fantastic caprices, a product of their own volition to get my attention and give them their fair share of my sweetest consolation. That was the easiest way to comfort them and definitely the easiest way out to end those petty affairs but tonight is different. I felt regretful for what I had caused her and the situation seemed irreversible. Realizing what I have done, I found it a sucking irritation in my ego especially knowing this woman, far from her awareness, can summon out the vulnerable side of me which I was trying to hide for years.

Shit! There's the chink... from the light coming off the telephone booth, I can see how she rushed out to accept solace volunteered by his open arms. She was sobbing in his shoulders and I can see how he enjoyed caressing her hair. Damn!!! That one should be me! I should be that one caressing and comforting her. Those arms should be mine wrapped protectively all over her distress.

The scene not very far from where I am standing is like a grime in my eyes. I should better walk inside the pub and refresh myself from this pathetic shit. I need something to doze me off from this... this................... well, you choose whatever derogatory word you want to describe this piece of night. I should go because the longer I stand and watch them together, the more intense I am getting galled almost ripping apart my sanity. This is no good.

Seeing that my objective didn't met my expectation, there was nothing better to do than admit that I made one step back from my plan of incurring a method I thought was appropriate. I thought I was doing a feasibility study of connecting my brain and heart to retrieve myself from my past or-- better say-- to forget what I should have done before, and then start anew which I thought I was actually doing right now. And you know what's running through my head at this very moment? I think this will going to be a long battle to play... just like COC. Those who play this game can relate to the idea which I was trying to imply although it's ironic that I don't play this game. I am simply just an anonymous benefactor...

So this will going to be a clash between the clan of my heart and the clan of my brain. And frankly speaking, it is a battle that will surely put me into a big trouble. I had not seen this coming to me. I was avoiding this kind of pit in my life after what I had gone through in my past. I thought I had promised myself not to fall again but here is another black hole. No way! I am not going to repeat what I did before. I have all my ways to change my route. I'm just going to change my course but my objective will remain in the fore. I am not backing off and I am serious about it.

I'll give this a little time.

I entered the pub and went directly to the slab of the bar and pulled a stool to seat on.