Choking on Diamonds

Eighteen

The weight of the world was on my shoulders and there's was nothing I could do to fix it. It felt as if the stares of everyone around me were as burning as the harsh rays of the sun, reflecting off the light during of white snow and the damp asphalt. I wanted to curl up in a whole and die.

I had ran out of the locker room on my own, escaping my friends and also my new found enemies. With my face searing with shame and my head titled down, I forced myself outside of the building. Everything about this was shitty and unfair. I hated to admit it but I cared about what people thought about to me some extent. Apparently to more of an extent than I should. Why did it matter so much? Why? Why? Why? It was just sex, right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I couldn't wrap my head around why.

My brunette hair cascaded down the sides of my face as I tried to hold back tears. Everything thought about my red face only made the blood rush faster. I was a slut. A whore. A drunk girl who was asking for it. A cheater. A bitch. A dumb ass. Those wouldn't even begin to cover the things I would be called. My ringer wasn't even on and I could just feel the implosion of notifications from people I didn't even know.  This was everything going wrong at once and I didn't have the strength to fight it.

And as I rushed towards my car in a parking lot, a hand grabbed my wrist and whipped me around. Fear filled my watery eyes but my skipping heart calmed as I let a deep breath out upon seeing it was only Luke. But I quickly reassure by the hostility in his deep mocha eyes that he wasn't happy with me.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His pity hit me like a train. I didn't want to seem so...so weak. I didn't want him to look down on me. I loved him. I would give anything for Luke to think highly of me but right now that wasn't an option.

"I-I was scared. I didn't tell anyone," I stuttered through my sentence, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

"But you told him." The sudden shift in the Sri Lanken's tone stood out like a scream. It cut like a knife and I wasn't even sure if he knew it. It felt safer to assume he wasn't aware rather than it being a conscious choice.

"H-he was there when it h-happened. I didn't tell anyone. He figured it out, Luke," I pleaded with him for seemingly no reason as his touch dropped from my slim wrist.

"He was there? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Kyra? You were with him at that stupid party weren't you? The one you fucking ditched me for."

"I told you to come with me! I begged you!"

"Then you wouldn't have gotten to spend time with him," Luke growled in a low tone, his sympathetic eyes hardening as he took an unforgivable view against me and my actions.

"What are you talking about?" I cried while wiping my eyes raw painfully aggressively. I was over crying today. "Would you rather I be alone and left vulnerable all over again?" 

"It wouldn't have even happened if you listened to me and stopped partying in the first place. And obviously you guys aren't just friends because even fucking Max brought him up while he was fucking you."

"And you think that was my choice!" I exploded on him. I could feel eyes on my back, the still semi-busy parking lot locked on me. I had bigger problems than strangers. Luke's implications completely gutted me. I thought I knew how bad this situation could get, then the person I loved the most shot me down like I was nothing.

"I'm not saying it was remotely your fault but you had options. Don't twist my words!" Like fired back. "This isn't about that, this is about him."

"Why does it fucking matter?!"

"Because I'm a third wheel to my own girlfriend! I'm supposed to be the one to help you, not him. Didn't you hate him two months ago? What happens to you, Kyra?" Luke said with disgust. "You've completely changed."

"Maybe I'm just done faking that everything is okay," I said back blandly to him. "I'm done acting perfect to please you. I fucking hate the world and he understands that! So do Syd and Will! He isn't the only one? My twin lied to me for months and bows she fucking pregnant. I was raped. My life is falling a fucking part and you only care about Hunter. You're the one that has changed, not me!"

"That's all I care about? You're fucking alive; I'm sorry I can't read your mind. Why do you think I was offended you didn't open up to me? I want to help you!" He pleaded, almost tuning back to his loving and friendly tone. It was too late.

"Fuck you, Luke. You only care about yourself."

And with my snarl, he was left speechless and I was left a crying mess of anger and despair, running to my car to except the audience and the embarrassment. The man I love didn't give a fuck about me. That hurt more than anything else. Rape me all over again, love and kindness is what held you up. Now I had none of it.

Was life even worth it?

No.