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33. Loss

Rule 17: It's ok not to be ok.
Rule 17, rewrite: Emotions are dangerous.

There were a number of things in life that were too much. End of school exams, too much. Figuring out what to do when grown, too much. Otsuka's quirk, too much.

Grief, too much.

Breathing? There were times when it could feel too much. When everything seemed to shatter, and believe her, she knew that feeling. When trapped, and powerless, and drowning was every thought in her head. When she told herself over and over, it was fine, everything was fine, there was nothing to worry about, she was fine, and was crushed slowly, inevitably all the while, maybe more so because she just wanted to be ok instead. Or maybe it just crushed immediately, instantly, and then right when she thought the worst was finally past, it would burn through her blood, leaving her hollow and aching for all the things that should've been.

In simple words, Otsuka had lived bad days before. Her quirk. Her parents. When TT left. When (she thought) TT died. And each time, it had hurt. And that was completely normal. Pain was... It was unpleasant, but it was a sign of love, of cherishing, of all the good that had once been. But today was different. So different.

When her quirk came in, she'd believed she had her parents behind her. By the time that had proved wrong, she'd had TT and Mags to mind her back instead. Then there was Mags, all through her loss of TT. There'd always been people with her, people she'd known, people she'd trusted. When lost in the kind of emotional storm, that was everything. To have someone stand in the storm with her, guide her through, a lighthouse leading home, it defied words.

When she was younger, she hadn't realised how much it meant to have that, to have those people. But she could look back now, she could see how crucial it had been to her back then.

Because she could see how much she needed it now. When she was alone.

She should've been more worried when Matsui didn't text back. The boy was never away from his phone, he always responded within five minutes. Always. So when he didn't, she should've seen the issue. She should've known.

Maybe then she could've done something. No. She wasn't supposed to blame herself. She hadn't done this. She hadn't allowed this. She hadn't- She hadn't- She hadn't been there.

She wished she'd failed that stupid clearance test.

In some ways, she thought maybe she saw it coming. Being called to Nezu's office halfway through a lesson she was actually enjoying, she'd had this sense of such weighted dread, her feet were shuffling along the ground, too heavy to lift, and Midnight— escorting her out of class— wouldn't meet her eye. Otsuka only caught glimpses of the woman's face, but it scared her, and she didn't even know why.

It didn't seem like a bad day. It was actually pretty sunny, only the odd cloud drifting in fluffy puffs in the lazy breeze. The grass around the school was a lush and healthy green, practically glowing in the warm light all around. Lessons during the morning had been intriguing, she'd finally wrapped her head around a maths concept she'd been having difficulty with, she guessed being able to have an extra lesson on the topic helped— almost whooping out loud in the middle of the class when she, at last, got it— and Mina had texted an invite to a study session with the other girls next week, she was really excited about joining them for it. It was almost like the world was trying to make up for what she was walking into by giving her a good day.

The strange man waiting inside the room while Nezu sat comfortably in his chair couldn't meet her eye either. Otsuka's hands reached respectively to her cuff and her locket as she stood in the doorway.

Her first worry was that her clearance had been revoked, but Mags would be the person here with her not some stranger in a tan overcoat and matching fedora. He removed his hat in greeting, nodding.