andromeda // matty healy au

To Be Human

I looked at my calendar to see that it was the day I had been dreading. Saturday. This week's rehearsals were painfully awkward, I thought, as my brain kept replaying clips of me avoiding Matty to keep myself from cocking up again.

It was a real effort to keep my stupid, stuttered thoughts in my head. It was so easy with George, Adam and Ross, with whom I exchanged very pleasant remarks. But, it was different with Matty because it was a toss up as to whether I would get 'civil Matty' or 'aloof Matty' and they weren't always a fan of me. Especially while I was in costume

By the time I got to the club, the boys were already doing a quick soundcheck. My head stayed down as I booked it to my dressing room. I threw my bag down and looked into the mirror and saw a sweaty, crazy woman looking back at me.

Oh, don't give me that look.

A few raps at my door caused me to perk up. When I told the person outside to enter, I was relieved to see Rae come in, granola bars in hand. Already partially dressed in her performing clothes, as she sported a black bustier and sweatpants. It didn't quite fit, but it was very on-brand for her eclectic performances.

"Hey girl," she said, placing a comforting hand on my back. "How's it going? I brought you some food, because you look a bit tired."

"I don't know if I can do this, Rae," I said frantically. "During rehearsals, we were all wearing shorts and parading around them. Now I'm wearing," I gestured to the black sequinned set on my clothes rack and my red wig on the counter, "that. I just can't do that."

"He knows now, doesn't he?" She said, putting her arm around my shoulders softly. "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm just not comfortable with him seeing this side of my life, especially when I tried to keep it on the down low for so long." I gulped. "It's so real now."

Rae rubbed her hands along my back, and she lifted up my head so I had to face the unruly-looking lady in the mirror again. She smiled at me, and I did my best to smile back at her.

"Honey, you look damn good in that outfit, I know that for a fact." She gave me a squeeze. Her nose crinkled as she laughed. "I also know that if you have an honest chat with him, performing beside him may not be as awkward as you think it will be."

We kept eye contact as we stared into the mirror, until we heard Sammy call that there was thirty minutes until showtime.

"Listen, babe." Rae took both of my shoulders, her short blue wig falling into her hazel eyes. "You're gonna do well, whether you take my advice or not. Just put on your set and don't let him stare at your boobs the whole time." I glanced at my sparkling bra as it hung on the hanger.

"It does make my chest look good, doesn't it?" I said with a sly smile.

"There's the spirit, girl." She placed a glittered pink lipstick mark on my cheek and gave me a good luck hug. "I'll see you out there."

I was alone to do my makeup. It was therapeutic to see myself transform into Andy, the woman I wished to be. She was confident enough to push for a bigger tip. She was loud enough to draw all the attention onto her. She was the one with legs that went on for miles.

My legs seemed too long and uncomfortable for my body when I was in my own clothes. It felt as if I was constantly looking at myself through a funhouse mirror. Or someone was being cruel with the overuse of Photoshop. It aggravated me to no end.

I recalled my mother looking at my pasty legs when I wore shorts during the warm weather.

"You really are your father's daughter, huh?" She refused to tear her eyes away from me, but never looked at my face. "You should change, though." At fifteen, I didn't understand why it wasn't appropriate for me to wear summer clothes when the sun was shining. I wouldn't understand until I was catcalled on my walk home from school.