Missed

Chapter 4 - Tear-stained cheeks

Time passed.

To be honest, I don't know how much time passed. Maybe it was hours, maybe it was days. I was hoping my parents weren't expecting too much from me after my brief journey downstairs, because I was up in my room again. Alone.

-

I was so tired. So, so tired. I lay on my bed, wanting to go to sleep - but somehow, I was even too tired to do that. I looked down at my scars and smirked at the thought of how stupid I was. I was such an idiot. What was I even thinking? I couldn't feel anything. No pain, no release. So if I couldn't feel anything, why did I still feel this way about Tate?

I looked up at the ceiling and I started to cry - I sobbed for what seemed like hours. I hadn't cried like this in weeks. Why was I crying now? I couldn't help but let small whimpers escape from my mouth, and I was hoping my parents couldn't hear me. I looked around my room, and the dusty mirror on my bedroom dresser next to my bed caught my eye. I picked it up and brought it closer to me, staring at my pale, tear-stained cheeks. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop. My eyes were red and puffy, my face was wet with tears. I put the mirror back on my bedroom dresser, lay down, and closed my eyes.

-

I never slept. I couldn't. But over the years, I'd kind of taught myself to go into a 'sleeping-state', which is what I thought it was, anyway. I basically just lay there in silence with my eyes closed, as if I was about to go to sleep. But if I lay there long enough, my mind would just drift anywhere, which is what I counted as a dream - but in my case, they were nightmares. Never dreams.

-

I lay there. My body was limp, my breathing was steady, and after some time, my mind was wandering. The first place my mind wandered were places that I could never remember - just weird, random places that didn't mean anything to me. And they always, no matter how many times I did it, always drifted back to that night, in this room, with him. I wasn't sleeping, but I couldn't wake up. I knew my body was twitching, trying to snap out of this, this paralysis or whatever it was. I could hear inaudible whispers escape from my lips as I remembered the night, but I could never wake up.

But suddenly, I jolted awake and sat up instantly. I'd felt something. A hand. What? I looked at my thigh. I could still feel it - the coldness of someones hand. I looked around my room. "Hello?"

Nothing. Just silence.

I looked around the silent, dull room one more time and sighed softly. No one was here. They never were. It was my stupid dream, or nightmare, or whatever the fuck it was.

I sniffed, and I lay back down on my cold pillow, pulling it closer to me to get get some kind of comfort from it.

I closed my eyes.