Missed

Chapter 3 - Promises

I stood in the middle of my room, debating whether to walk out or not. Do I? No. Yes. I want to see him properly, I want to see his face.
My only worry is that I won't be able to stay away. I back away from the worn wooden door and stand at the edge of my bed. But my mom will be happy, right? If I start coming out of my room, just to talk to her. Just to say hi.

As I started walking towards the door, my mom opened it. It creaked quite loudly - even more loudly than I'd remembered hearing it, even though my mom came in to check on me yesterday.

"Oh, Violet?" she asked, startled. Probably due to the fact I was stood facing the door, rather than cooped up in my bed.
"Sorry I- I was just coming downstairs.." I stuttered. In reality, I didn't know where I was going to go. I hadn't been out of my room in so long, the only time in the three years since I'd last seen Tate was go out of my room to stretch my legs, and that was pretty rare.
"Good!" she smiled. "Well, I was just coming to give you this - you know, to decorate your room a little."
I looked at the object in her hands. A huge, very vibrant orange pumpkin, carved into the jack-o'-lantern's traditional face. Although, the detail was beautiful.
"Did Chad do this?" I asked as I managed a smile. I didn't like Chad. At all. Not in the slightest, but I figured that if I actually made conversation and managed a smile, she would refrain from asking me "what's wrong?" for once.
My mom let out a soft laugh. "How did you guess? Come on then, come downstairs. We'll put this one outside, instead."

I don't know if my mom knew if I was looking for someone, or if she even knew who I was looking for, but as I stepped out of my room, I couldn't help but look around. As we walked down the stairs, I kept looking up, half-expecting Tate to be stood above me, looking down. He wasn't.
I walked past the hallway where the basement entrance is located - the basement door was open a little. I couldn't see anything, just darkness, but I looked closely. 
Wait, was that him? No. I blinked. Nothing there. Just my imagination. I could feel the tears welling up, so I walked quickly to catch up with my mom to distract myself.

When we got downstairs, Moira was dusting the kitchen shelves and smiled as I walked past her. I saw my dad, who hugged me when he saw me.
They must have had a "do-not-mention-anything-about-Violet's-isolation" conversation beforehand, because none of them said anything like "are you okay?" or "why are you up there all the time?". My dad just pointed a finger towards the front door and asked if we were placing the pumpkin there.

When this little "meeting" with my parents was over, I told them that the chat we had made me feel better. It didn't. I lied. I felt so.. sad. I wanted to cry, and die, even though I was already dead. I just wanted to get out of this world and move on, wherever "on" was, because the idea of being stuck here, miserable for eternity was unbearable. 

I didn't think. I didn't care. I went upstairs, ran to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I opened the wall cabinet and reached up to the very top shelf, and felt around. I could feel the dust sticking to my fingers, and suddenly felt a cold metal. I took out the razor. The razor that I used to cut myself three years ago. I looked at it. I just looked at it for a while, and could see the small specks of dust that had gathered on it, as well as the very small stains of blood that I had failed to clean off. I ran them under hot water for a few seconds, and dried them with a piece of tissue. I stared at them for another ten minutes.

I don't know where the time went, though. It was ten minutes before I did anything, but it felt like ten seconds. I closed my eyes, and lifted the blade to my wrist. I replayed the events that happened three years prior in my head - first, I remembered small things like Tate's smile, and his dimples, and the way he was there whenever I needed him. Then I remembered what he said.. "I know how you don't like normal things" ... "Don't worry, I'm here" ... "It's you and me together, for always" ... "You died.. loved" ... and then it got too much. I remembered the last thing he said before he went away. "You're all I want, you're all I have" ... I shut my eyes tighter, but the tighter I shut them seemed to make his voice get louder and louder in my head by every second.. "all I want, all I have" louder and louder and louder, being repeated over and over, I couldn't take it anymore, I opened my eyes and slashed my wrist open, blood trickled down my arms, into the sink and onto the floor.

I looked up, expecting to see Tate behind me, like he was last time. Like he was three years ago, when he sucked the blood off of my wrist and made me promise not to mutilate myself again.
He wasn't there. He stayed away.

I broke my promise.
He kept his.

***
Quite a long chapter I know, but I really wanted Violet's bathroom scene to stand out because I know how I wanted it to be said and felt, but I didn't know how to get all of the emotions out when writing it.. anyway, I tried my best! Feedback is appreciated :)