Let Me In

Chapter Nine: Headspace

Kaycee's POV

i parked my car in the student parking lot then grabbed the bag that i had packed for when i was suspended 2 weeks ago. my body felt like dead weight as i pushed myself to get out of the car. after locking the doors, i walked to my sign language class lazily.

once i swung open the door, the class turned their heads to look at me. i saw that we had another teacher watching our class so i just threw in my earbuds and listened to some music.

i haven't let anyone but my family know that i made it to school. throughout the 2 weeks of suspension, my friends have been kind enough to meet up and fill me in on all of the stuff i missed academically. however, i knew they were avoiding the elephant in the room. sean wasn't there. he never was.

ever since peyton came along, he's been awol with me. and it was the worst.

it was like living in a drought then finally getting rain. you get the overwhelming feeling of happiness. then the rain stops and eventually evaporates. gone. in days, or even hours. you're no longer filled with that happiness. you're filled with this sadness and greed. it's almost like waiting for that emptiness to be filled with anything but that sadness.

the desire of feeling that care again, that bond. you'd think it'd go away but it lingers until it spreads throughout your body. the tingles of negligence, i began calling it. soon, it felt like i was living off of the little hope in my head. hope almost felt like a fantasy, a theoretical feeling.

all of my feelings began to stop---hunger, sadness, anger, frustration, hopefulness, even common sense sometimes. food grew cold, voicemails and text messages piled. my family would knock, friends and mentors would call but i wouldn't answer. all i did was sleep or sit in the vanilla scented bathwater. it was weird to think that one person could make such an impact on someone. i never understood until now.

losing track of time, the teacher dismissed us, causing everyone to rush to their dorm rooms. while walking, i caught the judgemental glances of people but i didn't care. once i entered bailey and i's room, i saw everyone except for sean sitting in the living room, which i was surprisingly thankful for.

bailey rised to her feet off the couch and held out her arms, already reading me like a book. i fell into her arms and sobbed quietly into her shoulder. josh carried me into my room then closed the door to give bailey and i some privacy. bailey hugged me until i was calm. she pulled back and stared at me, wiping my and her own tears. it was hard seeing each other torn apart. we were like each other's other halves.

"take your time. what's wrong, kaycee?" bailey asked softly, holding my shaking hand. we sat in criss cross applesauce across from each other on my bed. she handed me a tissue from the box on my nightstand, letting me wipe my nose.

"i don't know! everything's just a mess and i can't take it anymore." i said monotonously. "i don't know, i guess....recently, i've been feeling- well, nothing. i can't feel. i'm never sad, i'm never happy, i don't get hungry. it's just a big hole of nothingness." i shrugged, staring off into space.

"why? you were perfectly fine before you left." bailey asked confused.

"that's the thing, bailey. before i left. before i left, i was able to feel. before i left, i had you guys and sean. i was happy. but now, majority of me wants to disappear and have the world swallow me whole. sean doesn't even know i exist anymore. he's so caught up in peyton that he doesn't even notice the trouble he's causing." i said curling into a ball.

bailey looked at me in sympathy. i didn't want anyone's sympathy. i didn't want anyone's reassurance. if i was being truly honest, i didn't know what i wanted. all i knew is, this emptiness felt like forever every time i saw him with her. "kaycee, he's just being stupid. he'll come to his senses eventually. i'm sure of it." bailey said facing me then sweeping the hair out of my face.