STRONGEST HOPE (ERERI❤RIREN)

CHAPTER 22 - EVERY TINY JOY

Lightning illuminated the walls of Levi's quarters. In spite of the fact that Eren slept in his arms, Levi was plagued by nightmares. Jolting awake, he grasped onto Eren like a lifeline. He felt himself falling back into the fiery pit that held the souls of all of those soldiers and friends who died in his care. He lay there for a moment and tried to steady his breathing, hoping the boy would wake and chase away his grief, but he slept soundly.

He instinctively pulled the boy closer to him, as waves of thunder cascaded down on the headquarters building. The branches outside the window tapped and scraped against the window panes, and the wind roared, making the wood roof creak and shudder.

There was a slight tremor in Eren's body from his own chaos within him and without. Levi shifted him higher onto his chest to tuck his head under his chin. Listening to his occasional whimpers, the Captain ran his finger over the younger's features, across his forehead and down over his nose. The caresses calmed Eren and he moved his face so his mouth was against Levi's neck.

These dreams...this grief...the fear he'd felt since the rescue...it all came back in full force, because the thing he feared the most was soft and breathing in his bed. This bright, beautiful boy that had tamed him and softened his soul, held in his core the power to unhinge him. The more he allowed himself to feel towards Eren, the deeper the possible pit of despair became. Possible wasn't the right word. Probable was most accurate.

How could he think that he and Eren could hide in his quarters, flirting with affection and longing, without there being a price he ultimately could not pay? Did he think they could really be together and not live in terror every moment of losing one another? How would and could he be his Captain, knowing that his actions would inevitably send him barreling to his death? How could he keep his hands from Erwin's throat if his orders took Eren from him? This was ridiculous.

Levi moved carefully from under Eren and went into his office to sit at his desk. He desperately wanted to feel like himself again...to not feel at all anymore. The only time he'd ever allowed himself the tyranny of hope was sitting and looking at the stars with Izzy and Farlan. Maybe when Kenny said he would take care of him...that he might have a better life after his mother died. Both resulted in the nastiest karmic slap that totaled him and left him a husk of his former self.

And Eren meant so much more.

If something happened to him... well, just thinking about it made him gasp for air as anxiety stripped him of the ability to breathe. This had to stop. As much as it would hurt them both, it would save them from the unimaginable agony later.

As the storm battered against the walls and windows of their haven, he looked at Eren and felt his heart stutter. He'd never really felt happy before; hell, he never expected to. Life was easier when you had no expectations. Gray became a comfort and the standard. But Eren swept into this world, throwing color into his life like confetti. It had been shocking and disconcerting to hear his laugh and see the smirk of mischief tug at his lips in such a dismal time.

He had never felt as complete as when the boy breathed steadily against him. It gave him a sense of purpose and belonging that he'd only felt after battle with his comrades. Those moments were precious, but would inevitably end up with him alone and shaking in his bed, intimate only with the bloody memories of the loss of the day.

He found that every tiny joy that Levi might imagine in the world was wrapped into the way this boy smiled at him. Instead of wading comfortably in his own dark reservoir, he was forced to see the light seeping in from the corners. All of a sudden, gray seemed disappointing and hope began to flourish in his chest.

But to live in this new Technicolor world...to grow and thrive...only to have the black curtains eventually come crashing closed once more...it would be so cruel. To have a delicate flame quiver in the palm of his hand, only to have it blown out completely...better to swim back to his dark shores willingly, than to be forcefully banished there forever. It seemed a lot more reasonable. Surely Eren would see this logic. Surely he would let Levi go to save them both.