Sad poems

My world, my everything: my mom

When I was little,
I loved you, and I still do.
My mom,
My mama,
My world, my everything, and more.

I used to joke around with you,
And make you laugh,
Which made me smile.

As I got older,
Things got harsher...
But  I still loved you,
And started to question if you loved me.

I still joked with you though,
But eventually jokes turned into arguments,
You yelling at me to stop showing my love and affection.

Things never turned out the way I wanted them to,
But I dealt with it.

Now,
Things are terrible,
But I know I still love you,
And now I know you don't love me.
I try to joke around with you,
But it turns into a way for you to hurt me.

I'm not smart enough, sorry.
I'm not pretty enough, sorry.
I'm not skinny enough, sorry.
I'm not her, I'm sorry I'm not my sister.
I'm never gonna be enough for you, am I?

I try to study harder.
I cover my face and tears with makeup.
I exercise more and eventually stop eating.
I am trying to be her,
But I don't want to be someone I'm not.

I do all these things,
Just to make you happy.
But it's somehow still not enough.
I'm not enough.
Will I ever make you proud?

You're my mother,
Aren't you supposed to love me
For who I am?
Even if I'm not all the things you want me to be,
Why can't you just accept me?

I get so hurt and sad,
By all the words you say to me,
A dagger piercing my heart each time,
A crack in my self esteem.
Like a crack in a piece of glass before it shatters.

Even when you found out about all the monsters in my head,
And the thoughts that almost kill me,
You don't do anything.

I need help,
But you don't try to give it.
I need support,
A beam to hold me up before I fall sometimes,
But you don't want to be that beam.

You ask me why I don't talk to you,
This is the reason why.
You're the reason why.
So, my question to you is,
When will you be enough for me?

When will you show your love and support
That you always show her?
A little gesture is more than enough,
It shows you care at least.

You'll always be my world, my everything, and more...
But still,
When will you be enough?