Crazy

30

Like I feel forced to be happy and to smile and everything and not show how much pain I'm really in because no one will ever truly give a shit about what I think or what I feel so I always have to fake a smile every. Single. Day. To cover up all the sadness I have and all the pain I feel becaus eits always as if you're the last choice, I always feel liek that to everyone and it sucks cuz I just want it to stop and go away but whenever I try to push my feelings away they come back harder and I always look out for others first and I always put them before myself and I never care for my feelings as much as I should and it just never works I can't speak up or anything because I'm so busy letting them get the attention and letting them be happy and I just can't seem to feel the same way and it hurts so bad an just tugs the life out of me to the point I don't want to be here but I have to in order to make sure my feelings start to not matter because if they do then I'll get lost between others and myself and I just want others to be happy and not have to worry about me even though I'm terrified of everything and as much as I don't wanna lose people I'm scared there all already slipping away and soon they will be gone forever and I'll be alone and as much as I want to be alone I want to not be alone ya know

That's what I sent to E

I deleted it before she could see

The other things I wish to say to her is to not talk about S

And how she prefers S over me

How she's so dedicated to help her

But I know she wouldn't go that far for me

I can't say I'm diagnosed with all these things

I can't say my phobias because they are so sad no one will believe me from the self diagnosis

What do I do