dear you,
your first love is someone whom you've encountered in august, right in the midst of summer and autumn, someone who illuminated your darkest nights, whose messages lit up your heart.
the summer mist was euphoric, but the autumn mist that followed was melancholic and agonizing. because you will recall the broken promises and unfulfilled dreams, and the lessons he's taught you that summer — both before and after he broke your heart. i wish i could look straight into your eyes and tell you how much you loved him. i wish i could forewarn you how dangerous it is to love somebody that much, and how gruelling it was for you to learn to pick yourself up and put yourself back together piece by piece again, after he left you stranded and wrecked — how it took you three whole years.
your first love is someone who ripped your heart apart mercilessly, and took your attempts at reconciliation for granted. maybe he didn't mean to burst your bubbles and hurt your feelings, and maybe he didn't mean to ruin you; but loving him surely did. you were never in a relationship with him, but he was someone whom you were so close to, that when communication ceased, it felt like a breakup. your first love isn't someone you dated. he wasn't your ex-boyfriend, but he was unquestionably an ex-something, an ex-maybe, an ex-what-if.
but perhaps your first love is the one that sticks with you perpetually, because your first love is the sole person who has ever received all of you. after that, maybe you learn better but regardless, a piece of you forever stays left behind in the heart of the one you loved — a piece no future lover could ever acquire no matter what. that particular piece which holds pure, unadulterated happiness, trust, innocence, and more importantly the belief that love lasts forever. that specific piece that consists of friendship and pain, trial and error, that one sentence you'll never forget, and memories you can never retrieve. it holds faith and daydreams without pain, fear and loss; and possesses youth and all the debunked theories of what you imagined love to be.
and in the years to come, it wouldn't hurt the way it used to, but you will lose yourself to the deafening thoughts inside your mind. you struggle whether to put your heart on the line, because you're terrified of breaking it somewhere along the way again. for he ruined your ability to love anyone else just as deeply; for you realised you could never love someone else the way you loved him.
from, your shell
YOU ARE READING
letters he'll never read
Romance"and if a writer falls in love with you, you can never die" dear you, imy. before i knew it, you disappeared into thin air; but even after you were gone, you were still my muse. and what terrified me the most was that there's still a lifetime left...
