letters he'll never read

heartbreak

dear you,

"loving you was breathing, but that breath disappeared before it even filled my lungs"

(ref. cambridge dictionary) heartbreak — feelings of great sadness or disappointment

inaccurate; to claim that heartbreak was merely overwhelming distress was an understatement. if i had to describe what heartbreak was, i would say it's you. heartbreak was the feeling i got in my chest when i could sense that you were fading away. heartbreak was definitely hearing you say that you no longer felt the same, and desired to be strangers. strangers. and i would say heartbreak was laying in a hotel bed, sobbing my heart out at 4am, for i realized you didn't care anymore; because of how you've overlooked and left behind all these fragmented dreams and unfulfilled promises.

but i would never define heartbreak as falling in love with you — for loving you didn't rupture my organs, presuming that you actually loved me too did.

i've always overheard them talking about how it feels to not be loved by that one person you love, but i never understood how fatal the anguish really was — until it occured to me.

why did you break my heart? why did you leave?

you were a good chapter; no matter how much destruction you've brought me when you left. you have no clue how devastated i was with your departure, but i don't hold you accountable — for everything that's happened.

instead, i want to thank you. i want to thank you for teaching me what love is. i want to thank you for being there to push me on when i didn't want to keep going. in fact, i want to thank you for everything. everything, from the very beginning to the very end. you've inspired me in many ways you would never know. and although you ended up walking away, and what remain are solely wounds that would never heal with time, i want you to know that whenever i see sunshine in a rainy sky, i will always remember how you were that exact same thing to me. i want you to know that despite all that linger are remnants of destruction, shards of a broken heart and an empty shell, every song on my playlist still reminds me of you — of us.

you were my captain, my anchor — something that always kept me grounded.

looking back, attempting to get over you was a nightmarish and traumatizing ordeal. umpteen nights spent mourning over someone, who didn't give a second thought or rationale for the agony inflicted, was incomprehensible to come to terms with.

and even till now, it's onerous to understand the way i feel about you, the way i love(d) you. you're absolutely not an easy person to love. hell, even difficult would be an understatement. time and time again, i have witnessed myself cry over you, talk about you to everyone until my vision's blurred again, and write about you until my heart bleeds once more. yet, you never fail to make me want to make an effort over and over again. i don't know what it is honestly, because none of this damned dreamy tragedy makes the slightest sense to me; why chasing after you countless times and suffering scrapes on my knees, bruising all over, still leads to my heart being patched up — being whole, being entirely yours.

the world didn't come to a standstill ever since the day you left, but somehow i am still imprisoned in this phase of my life that is saved for you, that is set aside for us. and despite acknowledging the futility of hope, god i still wish for you every 11:11. i still wish that someday — someday we will discover our route back to each other again, and laugh over whatever havoc we caused and whatever pain we left behind back then. i hope someday you will find me and recall what i once meant to you, because i'd have done anything to be your everything.

from, 10pm girl