dear you,
if you are reading this, i want to tell you how proud i am of you. for you have survived all the traumas and heartbreaks up to this particular point of time, persisted through the devastation and different phases of life, and here you are.
i know your life is hectic, and you're weary and overwhelmed. i know you frequently drown, trying to be everyone's anchor, and you're struggling to stay afloat in a sea of expectations. but i hope you understand that life's about discovering an equilibrium, a bit of a give and take. it's okay to halt and catch your breath for a little while. you don't have to achieve perfect grades and conform to ridiculous social expectations. it's okay to grow slow, to not have things figured out at times. you have to understand that it's alright you can't move mountains and that some days are grey. it's okay not to be okay. you don't have to wear a happy-go-lucky positive facade, it's only part and parcel of human to break down at times. life isn't supposed to be all smiles, you can own a broken heart or hurt feelings. it's okay to wake up with swollen eyes, for we're all imperfect human beans, discovering ourselves in paths of trial and error. so, stop beating yourself up for your anxiety, insecurities and scarcity of confidence. these dynamics in life are what make you you, and never forget to look how far you've grown since you were 15. growing positive does not mean never feeling negative emotions again. instead it simply signifies learning to cope with your gloom in a healthy way, and the ability to acknowledge that those feelings are temporary and are part and parcel of your growth process.
it's okay you were once labelled as annoying, clingy, a leech. yes, bullying is not okay and i should have never silenced it. i'm so sorry i didn't do anything, as the walls reverberated with their laughter whilst the pillows soaked your tears. i'm sorry i didn't gather enough courage back then to stand up for myself (you), to realise that it's perfectly alright to be different. i'm sorry you had to learn the definition of loneliness and importance of independence and inner strength the hard way. but i want you to know that it's fine you were once bullied and isolated from the rest. don't let it define you, and be the main reason why you prefer to be alone and that you're scared to have your own opinions and decisions. don't let it conform the rest of your life. yes, it might have been partially your fault for whatever's happened back then, but you've learnt and you've changed for the better. that's what matters, so stop blaming yourself and throwing yourself into a bottomless pit of insecurities. you don't deserve that, nobody does. you need to keep in mind that your past errors do not determine you. they are merely chances, for you to grow and learn. so don't cower from your mistakes, rather use them to develop yourself. for your temporary faults can lead you forwards or backwards, you just have to choose the trail that's fit for you.
never run back to the past merely because you're accustomed to it, for you cannot mend yourself in the same habitat that shattered you. stop forgetting your self-worth and holding on to people who are long gone. you need to understand you're reluctant to let go because you're stuck on the abstractions of what 'could have been' and all the 'what if's, had you just changed things a little and made different choices. you refuse to heal, because you're hell-bent on holding on to things that have never existed, holding on to people who don't treat you right, someone who would never return. you never fail to forget that your heart needs to be sheltered and appreciated, not pulverized all over. you forget how far you've come, and how long it took you to move on from a past that broke you into a million fragments. you forget your journey and the strength you've reaped, and that's why you stumble into similar traps and fall prey to the same type of predators — those with laborious hearts and labyrinthine natures, people who have never once experienced the kind of love you've engulfed your spirit in. what good could they then do to you? you have to memorialize the person you were before they crippled you, as well as the person you've grown to be after the havocs. you need to keep in mind how much you are willing to render to the world, to somebody else. then, you'll recognize that you deserve nothing but the best — someone who will offer you all of that and much more, someone who cherishes you and would never put themselves in a spot to lose you.
so, stop deceiving everyone that you are fine even when you're not, because sometimes the pain must take its toll. i know how difficult and tedious it is for you to keep smiling through the pain, so cry. bawl your eyes out, and embrace the sharp pang of nostalgia that follows. you deserve a time-out, for you have experienced things that ruptured your soul and enkindled pain in your bones, so grieve. mourn until your heart feels lighter.
for life will vanquish you and no one, not even yourself, can shield your soul from that. living alone won't either, for seclusion will also break you apart with its occasional yearning. you have to love, you have to feel. you've been so wary, careful to avoid potential hazards, that you forget you are here to risk your heart. you are here to be devoured. and when the inevitable finally occurs, trust me, it was never about the person who hurt you or the one who let you go, or those who failed to embrace all that you were made of. they were simply passers-by, and necessary lessons that you desperately required. they weren't the important ones, because in the end it was about you and your expedition. it's always been about you. under no circumstances were you broken, can't you see? every character who turned away from you left a shard of themselves in your hands. it stings, but you used those fragments to revamp, blossom and develop pieces of them that you added to your own spirit. they were the ones who lost — with no lessons to take, no wounds to endure, and no hurt from a love that helps them germinate. you grew. remember, you grew.
perhaps nobody ever told you this, but you are indebted to yourself. you owe yourself an apology — for you shrank and failed to be your own person. for you pursued the lustre in them while there were fireworks kindling inside your own bones. for you relinquished too much and left your own vessel too drained. and so you must seek your own absolution and forgiveness, for you struggled so strenuously to grasp onto the whole world that you disregarded where in this place you originally lost it all.
from, your shell
YOU ARE READING
letters he'll never read
Romance"and if a writer falls in love with you, you can never die" dear you, imy. before i knew it, you disappeared into thin air; but even after you were gone, you were still my muse. and what terrified me the most was that there's still a lifetime left...
