My Journal

9-9-19

You ever feel like you're not you? It's a weird feeling. You'll kinda think back to a while ago and just think, "where'd that person go?" It's kinda surreal.
Idk, I think that's where I'm at right now. Kinda just struggling to figure out who I am. (Dang that sounds deep and emo, I'm sorry 😂)
I kinda have 2 directions I'm being pulled rn, one of them is with Abby. Abby is a party, and literally my best friend, and I love to hang out with her, but when I'm with her, I kinda shift. I'm more bubbly, and my voice gets higher, and more annoying and obnoxious and it's definitely something I notice, but I notice it halfway through a conversation or something. And by then I'm so invested in what's being said that it kinda just flitters around for half a second and then it's gone, so I don't even have time to change.
That me, is the me that's set on being an SBO, and determined to meet everyone and be really well liked. And honestly that does seem really appealing, and I really wanna do that and be that person, but then I remember what things were like last year. I was a lot more chill, and I feel like I was more appealing to the people who are genuinely my friends. Ya know? I kinda wanna go back to that, but idk how. I dunno how to go back to being me 😂🤦🏽‍♀️
Yeah, so that's the struggle. I don't know how to attract the people I want to, and project the person I want to.

Speaking of attracting the people I want to, ugh we've got an internal struggle. (This entire entry's kinda been a bit of an internal struggle lol)
I was hanging out with Lauren last Saturday, and we went on a walk and kinda got into a deep conversation, (and this is gonna sound so stuck up) but I just started to wish I could like pick and choose my friends.
Like Evan, I wish he was in my friend group, and that we could hang out cause I love him, but he's not, and Lauren, and Branson, and John, and Carson. Like that would be such an amazing friend group!!! And we wouldn't have to act fake around eachother, and we wouldn't ever get in fights, and we would definitely be able to keep eachother entertained because they're all hilarious.
Ugh it's so horrible because I am just imagining how dynamic we all could be, and how much fun they would make high school, but it can't ever happen. Cause this persons a senior, and this persons not in our friend group, and this person goes to a differ t school. It sucks. Cause I work up my hopes, and I start to long for these things that can never happen. It makes me sad.