Denying Dylan | ✔️

(24) "Why didn't he tell me?"

"You're— you're sick," I said, refusing to believe that Kevin wasn't just attempting to hurt me. "That's a sick joke."

"It's not a joke," he lowered his voice, it even seemed as though he felt like he'd said too much. But it was too late now. "I had a brief affair a few months before Cassandra and I were going to be married. Her name was Emory Melrose. She didn't like the fact that I wouldn't call off the wedding so she disappeared and I didn't hear from her for some time."

My throat felt thick while I listened to my father recounting a time that was obviously difficult for him to think about. His tone was distant and his gaze was unfocused. This might have been the longest conversation that we'd had, ever.

"She resurfaced a few months after the wedding and she was pregnant. Five and a half months or so. I don't know. I told her that I didn't want her, or her child or a future with her, she was pissed but I agreed to financially support her— pending she could prove that I was the father through DNA— that was it. Anyway, less than a year later, I got a phone call from child protective services. They had me listed as the father through financial and paternal records and told me that proceedings were in place to have me take guardianship because Emory was dead. She killed herself when you were two months old."

Out of body experiences are not just an overused expression. I was having one while I absorbed the news. News that should have twisted my stomach into a knot and shredded my heart into pieces. Surely it would catch up with me, surely I would start to feel the weight of his words. But right now, I felt numb.

"Obviously Cassandra found out. I had to tell her the entire truth and I know that I broke her. She couldn't have her own children. We had talked about surrogacy or adoption but I wasn't fussed. I never wanted kids. Anyway, I told CPS to find you alternative care and they came back a while later to tell me that no one wanted the full time responsibility. It'd been a few months so Cassandra had, had some time to recover from the news of my affair, she said that she didn't want to walk without giving us a chance to get through it but as soon as she heard that you were going to be placed in foster care, she went straight to CPS.

"She told me that we needed to take you in. That you didn't deserve to suffer for my indiscretions. She said that we'd never talk about the affair again and we'd be a family. That was her chance to raise a child and it was your chance for a fresh start. Those were her words. She loved you and she never let me forget it."

Slowly, so that I didn't spin out, I stood and looked at him, a man who I thought couldn't be more of a coward. I was wrong.

"That just makes me love her more," I said, feeling tears sliding down my cheeks, my voice trembling. Hit after hit and you'd think I'd be used to hearing devastating news. "She had no reason to love me. I would have been a reminder of the worst thing you ever did to her and she never ever showed it. She loved me and I lost the only family that ever chose me."

An arm went around my shoulder and I felt Brecken pull me into his side, which was a blessing because I could barely hold my own weight. Kevin looked at him but did nothing apart from lower himself into his chair.

"And now it all makes sense," I nodded, blubbering and barely coherent. "I remind you of the worst thing you ever did. And you never let me forget that."

"Yes well—"

"Why did she kill her self?!"

His chest rose and fell with a deep breath, jaw clenched and fluttering. "I don't know why she did it. I don't know how she did it. I don't know if she had parents or siblings. I didn't want the details."

"The less you know, the less guilt to burden, right?"

Brecken was holding me tight but it wasn't enough to keep me from feeling as though I was shattering. Shattering into irreparable fragments of my already broken parts.