Out

Part Two

Jorge

Being so close to Benji made my heart ache. I wanted him so bad, even after all those months I had to get over him. This morning when I saw him for the first time in months, we looked into each others eyes and it took me back to a time when that was the first thing I got to see when I woke up in the morning. He'd smile at me and kiss my forehead, telling me 'good morning'.

"Welcome to your senior English class," The teacher, Mr. Williams, says when the bell rings. I don't know if it's good or bad luck, but he put Benji and I right next to each other in the back of the class.

After he cheated, I kind of lost it. I went to Drew's parties more often and started drinking, a lot. I always thought it would help me forget how heartbroken I was, but it just made me miss Benji more. I'd catch myself calling him in the late hours of the night, but always managed to end it before he picked up. I was out of shape, and lost all my confidence, but once school ended and I didn't have to see him anymore I wasn't as upset. Benji was out of sight and, slightly, out of mind.

"So, since it is the first day of school, and you're sitting by the same people all year, we're going to be spending the day getting to know each other," Mr. Williams passes out papers with a list of questions. "Ask the people around you these questions."

"So, um, we're getting to know each other I guess," Benji laughs. I give him a small smile.

"I guess," I look down at the paper on my desk.

"What's the first question?" Benji leans closer to me and looks over my shoulder. His chest is touching my arm and I try to ignore the butterflies in my stomach.

"Uh," I can't think straight with him so close to me. "Benji, you have the same paper over there."

"Sorry," Benji blushes and scoots away from me. "What's your favorite thing about school?" He reads the first question on the paper.

"Mine is cheerleading and yours is lunch," I say without thinking. I shouldn't have answered for him. I look at him out of the corner of my eye and he has a wide grin on his face. I clear my throat and try to think about anything but how cute he looks right now. "What's the most exciting thing you did over the summer?"

"I came out to the rest of my family," Benji looks down like he's afraid to make eye contact. It's always been a touchy subject with us.

"I'm so proud of you," I tell him sincerely.

"You are?" He sounds excited.

"I know how hard that was for you," He looks up at me and smiles. Our eyes lock and for some reason I can't look away, even though I know I should.

"Thank you," I finally snap out of it when he puts his hand on top of mine. I pull away and clear my throat.

"The most exciting thing I did this summer was going to the coast with Olivia. We took a three day trip and it was, like, the best thing ever," when I finish telling Benji about my trip, I look up at him and he's already staring at me. He smiles, but doesn't say anything.

"What was the best day of your life?" Benji reads out loud.

"I have no idea," I laugh.

"Remember that date we had in the back of my car? The one where we went up to the lookout spot and spent the night?" I nod my head slowly. "That was my favorite."

I feel like I can't breathe. Obviously I remember that night. It was probably the best day of my life, too. He planned everything out just to make me happy. We talked and laughed and watched movies. He made love to me and fed me strawberries. I fell asleep in his arms feeling so happy, like my heart was so full it was overflowing.

Why does he have this effect on me? I was perfectly fine all summer without him. He hurt me, so I broke up with him. Yet, there's a large piece of me that misses him and wishes we were still together.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I stand up without giving him a chance to respond and walk out of the classroom without even letting Mr. Williams know.

When I get to the bathroom, I splash cold water on my face. I give myself an internal pep talk about being strong and not giving into Benji or my feeling for him. I want him, but he broke a promise to me. He lied and cheated. He did everything he could to make sure nobody found out about us, including something he knew would break me.

I can't go back to Benji.