Out

Part Eight

Jorge

"So, who's sleeping where?" Nick asks awkwardly when we all get into the hotel room. I set my bag on the table and look at the two queen beds in the room.

"It doesn't matter," I say and pick at my finger nails. Of course Benji and I would be put in the same room.

"Well, uh, should you and Benji share a bed?" Nick looks around the room. I look at Benji for the fist time since getting out of the bus, but he's staring at the ground.

"Benji and I are sharing a bed," Drew says, sensing how uncomfortable this conversation is. I don't know Nick, though, and I don't want to share a bed with him. I want to be with Benji.

"I don't think Jorge and I sharing a bed is a good idea," Nick says slowly. Nicks a senior, too, but I've never talked to him. I don't think Drew or Benji have either.

"Why? Because he's gay?" Drew takes a step forward, defending me. I don't care that Nick doesn't want to share a bed with me, I just want this conversation to be over. I look at Benji, who hasn't taken his eyes off the floor.

"No," Nick stutters. "Just because, I mean-"

"It's fine, I'll share a bed with Benji," I interrupt him. I feel like I can't breathe. This room is filled with too much tension. "I'm going to go for a walk."

"By yourself? It's dark outside," Benji finally looks up from the floor to look at me. I shrug my shoulders.

"It's fine."

Benji sighs and grabs his sweatshirt, following me out the door. I walk over to a bench on the side of the road and sit down. A few seconds later, Benji sits next to me.

"We don't have to share a bed. I can sleep on the floor," Benji whispers. I want to tell him that I want to sleep with him, but I don't. I don't say anything. "Can we talk about last night?"

"There's nothing really to talk about," I try to swallow the lump in my throat. I knew this was going to come up.

"Jorge, stop pushing me away. For one second can you stop pretending like you don't have feelings and just talk to me?" I can feel Benji's eyes on me as I stare at the cars driving by. "Why did you call me last night to come get you?"

"I guess I had a moment of weakness," I say after a few seconds of silence. He deserves to know. "I thought I was over you, but then school started and I have to see you everyday and you're always so nice to me."

"That's because I want you. I told you, I'm not going to stop trying to get you back," Benji takes his eyes off me and watches the cars, too. "I just want you to let me love you again."

"I can't-"

"I know. I keep hearing you say that," Benji yells, making me jump. "You know, Jorge? I keep hearing you say all this shit about how hard that was for you, but what about me? I know what I did was fucked up, and I regret it every waking second, but you outed me in front of everyone when I told you I wasn't ready. You sat there and told everyone we were dating."

"You we chasing after me, everyone would've found out anyways."

"Maybe, but that wasn't your call. You decided that it was time for everyone to know I was gay, so you told them. And then left me to deal with that, without you. I wish every day I could take back what I did, and I'm not trying to excuse it or put the blame on you, but fuck, can't you see how hard I'm trying for you?" Benji goes from yelling to crying softly. "And then you spend the night with me. I mean, I wanted you to, but you do that just to tell me the next day it meant nothing. You get my hopes up constantly by flirting back and fucking me and cuddling after, but then crush them again when you remember that you're supposed to be mad at me."

"I never thought of it like that," Is all I can say. I didn't think about how that was hurting him. I didn't think about how I was the one to out him. That's something he should've chose to do on his own, with my support and love. "I'm sorry."

"Jorge, you have know idea what it's like," Benji turns his head to look at me. His eyes are red and dripping tears. He looks miserable. "Last night I slept for the first time in what feels like forever. I woke up today so happy. Holding you in my arms last night was the best feeling. Fuck, I'd give anything for that again."

"I don't know what to say."

"Just know, that I'm not going to stop trying to get you back. I'll sleep on the floor, but come Monday, I'm trying for you again."

"Okay," I give Benji a small smile. We sit in silence, watching the cars go by, for what feels like hours.

"We should probably go back inside. It's almost ten," Benji says after a while, standing up. I stand up and follow him to the hotel room.

"Are you okay?" Drew asks Benji when we get inside. His eyes are swollen and slightly red. Nick and Drew are in their pajamas, watching a movie.

"Yeah," Benji clears his throat. "I'm going to take a shower." He gets clothes out of his bag, before going into the bathroom.

"You know he loves you, right?" Drew says to me when Benji turns the water on.

"I know," I smile to myself and walk over to my bag, taking out sweatpants and a T-shirt. I change quickly, and lay in the bed that isn't occupied by Drew and Nick.

I love Benji, too. I miss him with every piece of myself. I want to badly just to forget about everything that's happened. I want to be with him again, but I worry that things will be different than last time. All I wanted when we were together was for us to be able to be together in public, and now we could be, but what if we only worked because we were a secret? Or what if he cheats again? I don't think I can handle another heartbreak.

Benji walks out of the bathroom in sweatpants and no shirt. I take a few seconds to stare at him, he is truly beautiful, but when he looks at me I look away.

"There's an extra blanket in the closet, but there aren't any pillows," Benji walls towards the bed. "Can I just take one from off the bed?"

"You can just sleep here, it's okay," I smile at him. He gives me a small smile and sits on the bed next to me. Drew doesn't take his eyes off the TV, but he smiles at my words.

I lay on the back and stare at the ceiling. The bed shifts when Benji lays down next to me. I look over at him, he's on his back with his eyes closed.

"Did you give that guy your phone number?" Benji whispers.

"No," He isn't Benji.

I close my eyes. It doesn't feel right. Laying next to Benji, but not touching him. I move my hand closer to him, and take his hand in mine, holding it.