Flicker // johnmark

twelve

Mark stares at the ceiling of the spare bedroom. The thin blanket can only do so much to protect him from the fall coldness outside.

He turns on his side and shuts his eyes. He can smell smoke and the dealer's vanilla shower gel he used when he showered.

It's so quiet in this house.

Mark's not used to it. He's used to the tv's faint noise and his roommates' late night conversations in the living room.

He sits up, and the blanket slides off his shoulders.

The creak of the door makes him cringe. Mark puts his hand on the wall, flinches when the bite marks on the heel of his palm sting at the contact.

The tv is on, but it's muted. From the light the screen provides, he can see Johnny slumped on the couch with a cigarette in hand.

If Mark looks closely, he'll be able to watch Johnny's eyelids fall close every few seconds.

"Johnny?"

He turns his head, unfazed.

Mark sits next to him, the cigarette's now in his hand. They finished their night time smoking session an hour ago, but he still needs this.

"Can't sleep?"

Mark exhales. "Yeah."

Johnny takes the cigarette. "What's on your mind?"

It's a harmless question. Yet Mark's heart drops.

He shrugs. "I don't know."

Blame the cigarette for making his mind fuzzy.

"Hey,"

Mark feels Johnny's fingers entwine with his own.

He starts to rub circles on the back of Mark's hand with his thumb. "I've noticed you've been off lately."

Fuck.

Mark has the urge to just yell about all his feelings.

So he channels that urge into something physical. He throws his leg over Johnny's hip in one move and gets onto his lap, slotting their lips together.

Johnny squeezes Mark's hips in surprise, but kisses back. Mark tilts his head, and their tongues lazily clash together.

He can taste the nicotine they smoked earlier and smell that same vanilla shower gel that radiates off Johnny's skin.

Johnny breaks the kiss and lopsidedly smiles. "What was that for?" he tilts his head.

Mark can hear his heart start to break. Johnny really thinks it's all for fun.

"Just because." he shrugs, arms still linked around Johnny's neck.

"Because of what?" he lets his head fall forward until their foreheads touch.

It takes all the fibers of Mark's being not to spill right then and there.

He doesn't have the balls to face rejection, though.

He goes back and forth - at least it'll all be off his chest.

But if his feelings aren't reciprocated, that'll hurt like a ton of bricks falling on him at once.

"Johnny," Mark pushes on his chest and separates their foreheads.

"Mhm?" Johnny looks at him.

Mark freezes. It's as if his brain checked out at that very moment, because he suddenly doesn't know how words work anymore.

Johnny's patient. He slides his hands under Mark's hoodie and gives his bare hips a reassuring squeeze.

Mark just leans in and connects their lips again. It distracts him for now.

It's another lazy kiss full of tongue. He bites down on Johnny's bottom lip, hard.

Mark kisses him until he can't breathe, wants to get the cloudy feeling that makes him suffocate in the best way.

"You okay?" Johnny asks through ragged breath when their lips part for a second before Mark dives back in. He slides his tongue into Johnny's mouth as a reply.

He's really feeling lightheaded now. He knows he should stop before he passes out.

It's difficult to pull away. Mark finds himself craving Johnny's lips right as their mouths leave each other.

He tries to catch his breath. He runs his tongue over his swollen lips as he stares at Johnny through the shitty lighting in here.

Hair messy, lips slick and red. There's purple blotches littering his neck going down to his shoulders, and he feels a tinge of pride knowing he did that.

It's not like Mark claimed him. They're not lovers.

"Is something wrong?" Johnny kneads Mark's hips. The gesture's so gentle and it makes Mark want to melt.

"What are we?" he luckily has enough self control left in him to ask.

"We're smoke buddies." Johnny's so fucking casual about it.

There goes Mark's heart strings.

He inhales to keep his composure. "Are we anything else?"

"What do you mean? Well, we sleep together...occasionally."

Mark wants to scream at Johnny for being so dumb right now.

"Are you avoiding that fact?" there's hurt in his voice. He can't hold it in anymore.

"Avoiding what? Us sleeping together?"

"Forget it." Mark slides off his lap.

He can't do it. He's a pussy.

"Mark-"

Johnny grabs his wrist, but he yanks his arm out of it.

"It's fine, Johnny."

There's a heaviness in Mark's chest that crushes his heart. He's heading towards the front door.

"Mark, come on,"

Mark doesn't think twice when he steps out into the chilly weather. It's completely dark outside.

He uses the flame on his lighter as some sort guide. He lights a cigarette, craving it so bad, wants to feel numb so bad.

It hurts. Don't worry, it'll be gone once he takes the first hit.

It doesn't go away. Fuck.

Mark ends up going back to his apartment. It's the middle of the night, so his roommates aren't awake to yell at him.

He shuts the door to his room and locks it.

Mark throws himself onto his rock hard mattress and doesn't care if it hurts his back. He's too focused on lighting another cigarette.

The tears fall on their own accord, and Mark hates how he's crying over this.

So he keeps smoking. One cigarette after another, he's lost count.

For a second, Mark considers pressing the cigarette into his arm. Thinks that turning the pain in his chest into something physical will help it go away.

He stops himself from doing it though. He knows it wouldn't help, anyway.

—
why do i suck at updating lol