HYYH 1 Notes (ENG)

The Direction Where the Sun Rises (PT3)

SeokJin
15 August Year 22

I saw her for the first time by the railroad. It was about a month ago
on a day I had a lot on my mind. I
went to see Jungkook at the hospital
but stayed there for only about ten minutes. I rarely even talked with
Jungkook when I was there. For some
reason, Jungkook was tense and kept his guard up against me. No message was posted on our group chat. Hoseok's
message, which said he wouldn't keep in touch anymore, was the last. I felt like that message was aimed at Yoongi. But whenever I read it, it seemed like
it was directed at me for some reason.

I left the hospital and walked on blindly. I realized after some time
that I was in front of the railroad crossings. The crossing bar was
down, and I could see a train
approaching in the distance. It reminded me of the time when
I got on an airplane alone in my childhood. It might sound silly,
but it felt similar. What was I
expecting? Whatever it was, was
I not supposed to expect something
like that? Was that sense of belonging no more thanan illusion? What was
this emptiness? Was I all alone after
all? What did I do wrong? This train
of thought continued with the strong
wind stirred up by the actual train
that passed by.

The train disappeared from sight
as fast as it'd approached. The bar
went up and the crossing as open
again. She walked towards me,
swimming against the flow of air
brought by the train. She dropped
her diary as she slid by me. In her
diary was her wish list: taking an
Italian class, joining a temple stay
program, volunteering at an animal shelter, taking a barista course, and sharing earphones with her boyfriend while taking a walk. Smeraldo was one of them.

Underneath a magazine clipping of Smeraldo was the following paragraph:

Love is not primarily a relationship to
a specific person; it is an attitude, which determines the relatedness of a person
to the world as a whole. If I truly love one person, I love all persons, I love
the world, I love life. If I can say to somebody else, "I love you", I must be able to say "I love in you everybody,
I love through you the world, I love
in you also myself." - From The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

I did a lot of things with her for
one month. We took walks, sharing earphones and listening to music
like she wanted and volunteered
at an animal shelter. We couldn't
do a temple stay, but we took a bus
and traveled to the last stop and
spent time at our favorite café.

Smeraldo is a flower that is said
to only grow in the northern part
of Italy. I dropped by a large flower
shop nearby, but no one had ever
heard of the flower. Then I found
this small flower shop still under construction. It was at a corner
onthe left side after crossing the
bridgeto Munhyeon.

I didn't have high expectations when
the owner, who had been organizing documents in one corner, approached me. Upon hearing the flower name,
the owner stared at me for a long time
and told me he would be able to deliver
the flower, although his shop was not officially open yet. "Why does it have
to be that flower?"

She didn't know that I had her diary. She'd never be able to imagine that
I'd follow the list in her diary for all
the things we'd done together over
the past month. I didn't return her diary or tell her I had it. I knew it
was wrong. I knew I was almost
deceiving her. I tried to come clean
a few times, but I was afraid. I was afraid she might leave me just like
my friends. I was afraid her heart
would turn cold once she got the glimpse of my mistakes, wrongdoings, foolishness, and fear.

I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her laugh. Every time I made her happy, it felt as if I became a better person. It felt as if my shortcomings were being put out of sight. I had just one more thing to prepare. It was a flower that meant "the truth untold" in
the language of flowers.

The owner seemed baffled at my request to get a hold of the Smeraldo flower by August 30 and said it'd be difficult to find one by then. But it
had to be that day. A display of fireworks was scheduled to take
place at Yangjicheon Stream. She was
fond of the night sky. I was thinking
of confessing my love for her when
the fireworks burst into the night sky.
I was thinking of presenting her with her favorite flower and confiding my heart at her favorite time in her favorite place.

TaeHyung
29 August Year 22

It was HoSeok's idea to get together
to see the fireworks. After his return, our group chat started buzzing and humming again. We told him how
we missed him in a reproachful and welcoming manner and HoSeok responded playfully that we should've realized the importance of his existence earlier.

"Make sure to come for the fireworks." We all said yes. NamJoon would arrive after his shift for his part-time job, and SeokJin also promised to come, however late, after his appointment. I was reminded of my dream when I saw the mssage. A woman getting killed in an accident with SeokJin watching her. That dream ended with fireworks. White petals of flames poured down from the night sky.

I shook my head to dismiss these thoughts. The venue of our gathering
was NamJoon's container. I sometimes took a walk in its direction when I couldn't sleep at night or when Dad got drunk and acted up. I didn't walk up to the door or stay for long like I used to.
I would just turn around when I passed the train station to catch a glimpse of it.

But the container was lit every time. I hadn't realized how unusual that was recently. It was always lit. Even when he must've been asleep. I realized that was a signal for us to come any time. I had no way to know. It was just an assumption. But I was confident. Still,
I couldn't knock on the door and go right in because I didn't know what to say.

The fireworks are tomorrow. I'll be able to make it on time if I leave as soon as I finish my shift.