HYYH 1 Notes (ENG)

The Topmost Floor in the City (PT 3)

HoSeok
16 May Year 22

I could be my most honest self at home. Sometimes I screamed at the top of my lungs and sang at the window. Sometimes I played music and danced like crazy. And sometimes I awoke at night weeping. When I did, I just lay there still, staring at the ceiling. But I never collapsed with narcolepsy at home.

JiMin didn't go back home after he
left the hospital. He came to my house and was now looking down at the city leaning against the guard rail on the rooftop. He must be looking for our school, the Two Star Burger joint, and the changing lights along the railroad like me. He must also be looking for
his house. That was something in our human instincts. Everyone looks for their home when they climb somewhere high or spread out a large map.

I thought of asking him why he didn't go home. But I gave up. His head must be a mess, and I didn't want to aggravate it. Besides, I could guess
why based on how JiMin's mom reacted at the emergency room that day. In fact, I rarely asked my friends questions. I felt I knew the answers to most of them already. And I didn't want them to feel awkward. Or they might find my questions too inquisitive and annoying.

To be honest, I was always curious where the others were headed when they walked by my store. But I never ran out to ask them. Where was JungKook going with his wounds?
Was YoonGi's workroom in that direction? Why did NamJoon leave school? Where did TaeHyung first
learn graffiti? Come to think of it, I didn't know much about the others.

"Did you find it?" I drew closer to JiMin and asked. "Find what?" JiMin sounded confused. "Your house." JiMin nodded. "I grew up in the orphanage right there." I pointed to a place beyond the railroad. "Do you see the supermarket in the direction of the river from the gas station where NamJoon works?
Do you see the clover-shaped neon sign behind it? The orphanage is to the left of that neon sign. I lived there for more than ten years." JiMin's eyes seemed to wonder why I was telling him all this. My friends already knew that I grew
up in an orphanage. I considered it my home. I didn't force myself to think that for a peace of mind. I really believed that it was my home. A home without Mom.

"I have something to confess." Something I'd been lying about.
"That my narcolepsy was fake."
That might've been why I couldn't
ask anything about anyone. It wasn't because I was afraid of hurting them.
It was because I had lied, because I didn't have the courage to be honest. Because, once I admitted it, I'd also have to admit I have no one to call "Mom", not just at the orphanage
but in the entire world. That must've been why I didn't ask any of them
about their problems.

JiMin wasn't good at hiding his feelings. His startled look was self-explanatory.
I didn't know how to apologize to him. JiMin had agonized over me countless times. He must've burst into tears when he first witnessed it. "I didn't do it on purpose. I just must've ignored that there was a way for me to be OK. I know this doesn't make sense. I can't describe it clearly."

"Then, are you OK now?" JiMin,
who'd been listening quietly for
some time, turned his head towards
me and asked the question. Am I OK now? I asked myself. JiMin was still looking at me. He was neither criticizing nor sympathizing with
me. I looked down at the brightly lit
city below. "Well, I don't know. We'll
be able to figure it out as time goes
by. I'm looking forward to it. Aren't you?" Jimin giggled. I laughed along.

JiMin
19 May Year 22

I had to return to the Grass Flower Arboretum. I had to stop lying about not remembering what I'd seen there.
It was time to stop hiding in the hospital and put an end to my seizures. To do that, I had to go back there. But, for days, I went to the shuttle bus stop and failed to get on the bus.

After I watched the third bus of the day pull away, YoonGi suddenly appeared and plunked down next to me. He said he came out because there was nothing to do and he was bored. Then he asked me what I was doing here. I kept my head bent low and kicked the ground with my toe of my sneaker. I was sitting there because I didn't have courage. I wanted to pretend that I was OK now, that I knew enough, that I could easily overcome this. But I was afraid. I was afraid of not knowing what I was about to face, whether I would be able to endure it, and whether I would have
a seizure again.