Tuesday. Another clear day in New York.
Class today was pretty normal. Sure, we worked with our lab groups, but the morning was filled with secret smiles and subtle glances between me and you. Sparks flew whenever our eyes met, and in each instance it felt like all else around me faded away until it was just me and you, like we were encapsulated within our own world, forever entranced in each others' gaze.
11:00AM. Our class ended on the dot. The night before, I decided to take you to Times Square for the day's adventure . We'd take the 1 Train down to Times Square Station, have some churros from Sweet Churros with COFFEED, and see where the wind would take us among the hundreds of stores on the strip.
We ascended the basement stairs to ground level, and began the long walk from Engineering Terrace to the main gates. As we walked, you may have thought that I didn't know how to start a conversation. The first few minutes of walking were filled with empty silence, with a couple of remarks here and there. Step by step, it felt like time had slowed. Though I may have seemed stoic, my mind was in circles. Upon reaching the ground level, the first thing I noticed were your hands, swinging softly as you walked. Immediately, I flashed back to yesterday, to the time where I didn't take the chance to hold your hand. While I vowed to take your hand today, doubts quickly plagued my mind. How would you react? What if you rejected my hand? What if my hands were rough, dirty, uncomfortable? What if I MISSED?
But then I thought of time. I would make the most of this last week. I won't let another opportunity pass. What if I would never see you again?
So I took your hand. Your fingers were intertwined with mine, our palms, clasped together. I felt your soft skin, your warmth, your gentle fingers. I felt a large ring on your index finger, and I wondered about its significance, the sentiment behind it. Something surged within me. Was it affection, adrenaline, confidence? Surprise, that I had acted upon impulse? My heart raced, and my breath quickened. I took a quick glance at your face, and I saw you smiling with a rosy blush on your cheeks. I smiled to myself; I did it.
Casual conversation followed as we waited for the 1 Train.
"So since you love to read, what's your all time favorite book?", I asked
"Umm, I can't really pick a favorite, but The Kite Runner is really interesting", you replied.
The 1 Train arrived, and we took the double seat at the end of the train car. Spotify doesn't work underground, and so I offered you my headphones and my illegally downloaded playlists on Apple Music. Then, a rush of insecurity followed. I've always been apprehensive about showing people the music that I listen to. Though I love R&B, the songs downloaded on my phone were mostly K-Pop, and as you looked through my playlist, an old time-tested feeling of anxiety began to creep upon me.
And yet you were unfazed. You didn't care that I had bubblegum K-POP, that I listened to BTS, LOONA, or TWICE. You loved me regardless- something I had never felt in my life.
In fact, you wanted to listen to some LOONA, since I had recommended you some of their songs the night before over Snap. We ended up listening to some of my favorites: Eclipse, Sweet Crazy Love, and Curiosity. I loved watching you bop your head to each successive song, feeling the rhythm, and enjoying each melody. I was so drawn to you: your acceptance, your indiscriminate love, the warmth that you made me feel deep inside my heart.
We finally made it to 42nd Street Station. With your hand wrapped in mine, we set out towards Times Square, taking in all the sights around us. The view never gets old. All around us were bright LED billboards, as if shouting "Dear Evan Hansen" or "Glass"; shop logos, street vendors, street performers, people in costumes waiting for the tourist caught unawares to hustle for money. Yet with all this chaos around us, my one focus was on you: your bright eyes, clear as the sky, shifting from sight to sight in pure admiration; your hands, interlaced with my fingers in a statement of love; your smile, painting a ray of sunshine across your face. I realized that you were what I had longed for so deeply since the very first time I learned the concept of love.
Sweet Churros with COFFEED turned out to be a little shack in the middle of the intersection between Broadway and 7th. Originally I ordered a Strawberry Crunch Churro and a regular Chocolate Churro, but I guess they got my order mixed up since they gave me the exact opposite. That didn't matter to me though; it was never about the churros.
We took one of the deep red tables right in front of the cart, fully surrounded by very different people. To our right was a group of vulgar men with thick New York accents, cursing in every other sentence together with what seemed to be their wives. Around us were a few scattered groups: some duos on lunch dates or just friendly hangouts, a few children and their parents, and some who sat alone. People passed by with the normal pace of the city; their speech, fleeting as they moved farther away, served as eyeglasses into each of their own worlds.
"I love people-watching in New York", you said. "Its kind of interesting to listen in on some of the conversations". I couldn't agree more. New York was a wild place, and you're bound to hear something interesting anywhere you go.
Before we ate the churro, you asked "Can I take a picture with you in it?"
I chuckled to myself, "Sure!"
I never did get to see that picture.
Afterwards, your hand in mine, we ventured off to the BT21 LINE FRIENDS store where we bought a small Taehyung souvenir for your friend back in Malaysia. We walked down 7th Avenue, talking about anything that came to mind, until we were finally back at the 42nd Street 1 Train Station. Aboard the subway, I offered you my headphones so we could listen to some BTS, since, little did you know, I remembered that Spotify playlist you had open on your computer before we started talking. I guess you could call me your secret admirer.
I gave you my phone so you could explore BTS' discography, but you handed it back to me, saying that you've only listened to their newest albums. I chose a few songs from my personal favorite album, You Never Walk Alone.
And then Spring Day came on.
Every time that first chord strikes, something within me triggers a wave of emotion.
보고싶다; I miss you
I was caught by gentle surprise when you laid your head on my shoulder. There was a moment where I lay still while my heart beat became louder, faster. And as if by impulse, I lay my head on top of yours. I remember the smell of your hair: sweet and smooth, like milk and honey. I remember the warmth of your head on my shoulder, how it spread throughout my body like electricity. I remember the sight of us in the reflection of the subway's glass window, of my head on top of yours, of your body against mine. It was this impression of utter affection, of pure intimacy, of innocent love, that would remain as the permanent image of us in my mind. And yet it was an image of conflicted passion, a love offset by a yearning unlike anything else, as I knew that by this time next week, you would be gone.
And so in my mind I'll stay. In my mind, I'll stay in your love. As long as life within me I'll remain, fixed forever with your head rested against mine, with your body leaning against me, as the train continues on its boundless path within my memory.
