An open door

Figuring things out

If i'm going to be trapped here for who knows how long, why not spend it alone?

I have these memories swirling around me like snowflakes, melting untouched in my hands. Each one fragile and delicate. Playing over and over. As if  there was a replay button and it was being held down.  I wanted to just leave, but how? Where will i go?

I can't just push the memories away. I close my eyes but it plays still in front of me like a haunted memories but the memories i see are the best memories i have had.  I try to think of things to tell them, and ways to do it.  I wonder if i will ever get out. This place is like just a room and nothing in it.  Painted gray. Unless i see a memorie. it will change into the moment at the time. it will replay, every. single. word , back to me. Even though i can rememeber it just fine.  I have been told i have a photographic  memorie. Some things are good. but some are bad. I try to us the bad into the back of my mind so they wont play over and i will have to go through it again.

 The more and more i sit here and think about my life. The harder it is to take it all in. I keep telling myself that it's done and over with and that i can never go back to the life i was living. That i have lost the perfect life i had. It was really hard telling myself that but i knew i had to. I would sit in this empty room and cry.  Relizing, that this is not my fault. It's pretty much my fathers.  I remember the accident, i was looking out my window. I saw the light had changed red. I saw lights come from around the corner.  My eyes widened. I backed a bit up from my window, sitting in the same spot though. Right as we went through the intersection the truck honked its horn. But by the time my dad or mother noticed we were rolling and screaming. I remember just sitting in the back gripping the door and the seat. I wasn't screaming though. It happened all too fast for me to even think about it. All the windows in the car were shattered. The windsheild was so cracked i couldn't see out of it.  The car rolled and rolled. I filpped with out saying a word. I had cracked my head on the back window. Then on the side. My mother looked back, once the car had stopped rolling. we were upside down. I looked around once more, my mother cried and tryed to reach me. Everthing slowly went black. I started hearing the cop sirens. I took just one more look at my mother. Then i had closed my eyes and that was the end.

I felt strange. I wasn't in the empty gray room yet then. All i saw was black. I had opened my eyes. I glanced to my right, i saw mom sitting there. Her hand around mine. She had fallen asleep waiting for me to awake.  I stayed where i was so she could rest a bit longer. I saw dad, in the chair kinda in the back by the window. He had a couple of scratches on him.  On his lip he had a cut. mom looked like she just got out of bed and did a wild dance. she had a cut on her and and a little cut on her forehead. other than that you couldn't tell they had just been in a accident. I let a tear roll down my cheek. I looked to my left and saw a big vase of flowers with a letter saying " Im sorry Jay- love Dad and mom " I started to quietly cry. I guess mom felt the movement of my body shaking from crying cause she had woke up and saw me. " oh my sweetie, how are you feeling? Im so sorry about what happened. " i looked into her eyes and saw that was really sorry. I stared to cry again. she gave me a big hug. She sat there, waiting for me to clam down. She started to sing to me like when i was a baby. I closed my eyes. I though i went back to sleep but i guess not.

 Im standing here now. Watching the doctors trying to bring me back to life. My father is holding my mother who is crying and trying not to freak out. I stand next to her. Wishing i could tell her that im here. I want to confort her but i guess i'm just a ghost now. And if not then i just am invisiable to everyone. Honestly, it hurts. A lot and to tell you this, its something you never want to experience.

 The life i was living wasn't bad. It was actually perfect. I wonder why people have this thing called fate. And why thing's happen the way the do. Some say it all happens this way cause its our destiny. But if you thnk about it, what really is our destiny? what does it really mean. How do we know we can trust this thing so called "destiny"? I dont really believe in it now that i think about it. I just have one thing to say. We don't have a destiny. Its just something some people believe in. Some do and some don't. sorry but im just not a believer.

 You can tell me im dead but you cant tell me its because it needed to be done. How would you feel if you just died and you loved so many people and they loved you but you never got to say goodbye? Not very happy either i would hope. I would go back to where i could see my mother but she couldnt see me. I stand there. Watching, hoping they could bring me back to life. My mother and father has been escorted out of the room. I walk up to the bed my body was laying in. Standing next to the doctor and nurses as they try and try to help me but i lie there. Helplessly.

 Everything freezes. Time, everybody and everything. Only i am able to move, think and breathe. I stand here, confused. I slowly walk around everybody. Caustiously watching how there frozen. " There's no way possible. How could this be? " I feel this weird constant pain, as if it's clicking inside me.  It would be there one moment and gone the next.  When it left, I barely had my eyes open and i saw the celeling in the hospital. I closed my eyes again, and i was back to where i was. The pain would come back and it would back and forth. I was in the empty room but i still felt the pain. I clench my chest hoping it would stop but it got worse.I knelt down on my knees, the pain filtered through my body like a million needles when through ever inch of it. I had small flashes of the celeling as if it kept taking me back to life. I mostly stayed in the empty room. But it wasn't empty anymore. There was a little girl standing next to me, watching me. Watching my pain. " who are you? " i said studderly. She knelt down to my height at the time.

 " Im Selena. " she sat criss crossed just watching. " what are you doing here. why am i feeling this pain. Make it stop, it hurts." I started to yell out. The pain was in my chest and i couldn't stop it at all.    " your feeling this pain cause people are trying to bring you back to life. The pain your body will feel, your feeling now is because you body is tryin to help continue living. You probably see falshes cause your going back to life. But your still here cause a part of you is shut down and cant help in any way. No matter how you help it." She starts to hum aloud. Te louder she gets and the clearer it is the pain goes away. I drop my hand and listen close to the humming. I close my eyes.