Blackbird

Sinking

Going back seemed odd but I knew it was something that had to happen. I missed them and I'm not entirely sure they will be glad I'm back. Not everyone has been happy to see me, my mother certainly wasn't. 

I turn my gaze from the window to Andrew's sleeping face. Part of me still doesn't understand it all. He has never seemed the type of person that could ever cheat. I guess I still don't know everything about him. My sadness turns bitter with anger, no matter how alone he felt it didn't take him long to seek out someone else. Was I that replaceable? No, I can't be. But that small seed of doubt lingers as I drift off to sleep on the plane.

"VOODOO!!!" the squeals of Katie reach me as I'm almost knocked over by the force of her barreling into me with a hug with Kylee not far behind her. 

I let out an oumph as the air is squeezed out my lungs, "Hello you two, can you let go so I can breathe now?"I managed to squeak out.

"Sorry" they say in unison.

"Tyler couldn't make it?" I ask looking behind them.

They look hesitantly at one another, Katie speaks up first "Tyler went back to Minnisota. His fiance was in a car crash."

Shock flashes across my face, "Why didn't anyone tell me? I would have come back sooner."

Kaylee answers this time, "Well being gone a year, a lot changes. I mean we all know how things ended up with Autumn..." she trails off. 

Katie picks up where she left off quickly, "Don't worry. He just didn't want to ruin your fun tour life, he doesn't hate you he just didn't want to bother you, he didn't really want to reach out to anyone. We only know because he had to explain to the shop."

I nod quietly as we start to walk to the luggage area. Kaylee tries to brighten the conversation, "So how are things between you two lovebirds?" she asks excitedly looking between the two of us.

Andrew and I give each other a strained look, his filled with regret and mine with sadness. "Fine, things are fine." I give a strained answer not looking at her. 

Kaylee tries to press more but Katie shakes her head silencing her before she begins. "Let's go back to the apartment, I'm sure you both are tired after the long flight. Jet lag and all that."

I give a weak smile and we head out after grabbing our bags. The car ride is pretty quiet and I look out the window and watch as it starts to drizzle. When we get back Katie excuses her saying she has to go get dinner going for her brother. I hug her goodbye promising to see her later and she's off.

"I don't know if you guys are hungry or just want to settle for a bit, I don't have much food right now but I can order a pizza? I don't think anyone feels like going out." She says lips pursed looking between the two of us.

"Pizza is fine I think we more just want to take showers and relax." I look to Andrew for confirmation.

"Yeah, do you mind if I shower first?" Andrew asks sheepishly. 

I nod and he heads down the hall looking for the bathroom. 

"Okay spill it." Kaylee says, hands on her hips. "The last I heard you two were in la la land, now you're barely speaking."

I sigh, sinking onto the couch. "It's a long story."

I begin telling her everything from going to see my parents to coming back and how I felt the need to come and see them here. She listens quietly as I explain, a rarity for her, eventually getting up and making tea in the attached kitchen before coming back to comfort me. She holds me as I cry softly letting my doubts have a voice for the first time. 

Its a while after I finish that she says anything. "Do you love him?" I look at her and her face is stern. 

"Of course I do-" I begin but she cuts me off. 

"No. Do you LOVE him, love him now knowing what he did. Knowing he fucked up, knowing the pain it's put you through. Knowing that it's going to be an uphill battle." She leans back and sighs, "I'm not trying to be mean but I've gone through this, you have to really love him and he has to really love you for things to work after this. You need to tell me and him that this is something you don't want to walk away from."

I'm quiet. "I do love him, deeply. When I walked in there that morning I was terrified of what I could find and that fear walked right out to me and is a bitch. I've tried being angry, but every time I find that it fades so quickly. I just become disappointed and sad, I question myself. Did I do something wrong? Did he really think I could just abandon him like that. Without a word." I look at her tears in my eyes, "I really do love him and it hurts to love. I just don't know where he is anymore, I want to reach out but how do I even begin."

.........ANDREWS POV...........

I shut off the water and begin to towel off when I hear it, faint voices filtering down the hall. I listen as Kaylee asks if she loves me, and her answer makes my heart sink. I'm tearing her heart apart, she's just as scared to try and move forward as I am. I've really done it now, I've hurt the best thing to walk into my life.