Truth & Dare *Intro*

One

YEAR ONE

*** Miscarriage, infertility warnings.  Infidelity.  This and the next chapter are direct and brutal and full-frontal pain.  Be good to yourselves ***

The chapters are out of order.  Wattpad refuses to let me fix them.  To save yourselves frustration, use the  top right dropdown menu to select the next chapter.  Book one chapters are just numbered and book 2 are labeled as 'chapter one' etc.

I've done this walk of shame too many times to count but that makes it no easier. Maybe hating it, and myself, so much means there's still some kind of hope for me. You can't blame me for hanging onto any shred of hope that I'm not horrible even though I know I am. It's all excuses, I know that.

I park in the driveway as always. Rebecca works crazy hours as a nurse, including pulling 20 straight hours over Saturday night and the last thing she needs to worry about is parking. Besides, it's safer if she takes the garage.

It's habit to look at my face and make sure that only my hollow eyes are staring back. I've gotten good at making excuses and luckily Brian is very good about not marking me too much but I always check. I quadruple check that I've put my wedding ring back on and then it's time. I grab my backpack which holds my club and play clothes and make sure it's zipped before getting out and throwing it over my shoulder.

It's just past 2 a.m. on Saturday night. I have 12 hours to sleep and get myself together before Rebecca gets home and I'm going to need it. She'll pass out asleep as soon as I make her lunch but I need to be at 100% even if only for an hour. Brian may not leave marks but all of my joints and muscles ache from the delicious scene we did earlier. A bath is definitely in order if I can stay awake long enough.

I mostly stumble into the house, the lock fighting me; I really need to get a new key made. Hers works well, that's really all that matters. Immediately I freeze, I hear... crying? "Becca?" As my eyes adjust and my ears zero in, I can make out her small form on the couch. I drop my bag and sit down, pulling her into my arms.

She comes willingly, almost crawling into my lap before she pushes me away and looks into my eyes. "Where were you?"

"I..." I'm usually better at excuses but my brain is still foggy and everything about this is wrong. I sent her to work with a kiss hours ago. Why is she here? "I was out, work people. Drinking. What's wrong?"

She flicks on the table lamp and I'm momentarily blinded but soon enough I see the stare she's giving me and how red her eyes are. No. NO. "Becca? Did you? We? Again?" No more words are necessary, she just bites her lip and looks away and I know she's fighting back more tears. "I'm sorry sweetheart, so damn sorry. Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not!" I know it's a stupid question but I still have to ask. We'd thought maybe, this time, it would stick. Number five, this pregnancy lasting longer than the others, long enough that we couldn't help but hope no matter how scared we were. "I'm sorry" she whispers and my heart breaks. As hard as this is for me, it's nothing compared to what she's feeling and experiencing.

"It's not your fault but I'm sorry too, Becca. What can I do?"

"Nothing Alex, nothing. Thirteen weeks, I thought..."

"I know." The words are almost automatic because we've had this discussion too many times, more than anyone should. I wanted to stop trying a year ago but she's braver than I am. She always has been.

"I'll be back." She heads for the bathroom and I get us each a glass of water. She doesn't sit when she gets back, just towers over me as much as she possibly can being 5'2". "You don't smell like beer, or a bar for that matter."