Wedding Blues

Alone

Today is my wedding day. The seats are filled with people I hardly know, not a single warm face to bring me comfort. I pulled back the curtain on the window of my dressing room, I did not want anyone to catch me watching them. My groom is the most special man I have had the blessing to love with all my heart - he is the reason I am here today. I want us to start our lives together, I want to ride off into the sunset with the love of my life and never look back. He is truly the only thing on this earth that is keeping me going each and every day. For his love I would give my very last breath.

Before I fell in love, I didn't even believe it existed - I looked around my world one day and noticed there was not one person around me who had the love I was searching for. I always had this hole inside of my heart that I was so desperate to fill, I found myself giving my affection to the wrong suitors, they always left me alone and heartbroken, while feeling completely empty. Then I met Troy.

From the second he saw me, it seemed as though his sea glass eyes could peer right into my soul. Looking at him felt like home. The day Troy asked me to be his wife, he made me the happiest woman alive. My entire life it seems as though, I have never been able to find happiness inside me, no matter how hard I tried . Everything inside me feels like paper thin glass that is too fragile to touch, one heavy sigh might crack me. It has been hard existing in this aching, broken and sad body that I inhabit - however, with Troy, he makes me feel like a diamond that just fell straight out of heaven. That is a feeling I never want to let go of - I know with every part of my heart and soul I could not live a single day without this man in my life.

So here I am, standing in a white dress waiting and wishing that I had someone here with me, telling me everything is going to be ok, that I will not trip, and that I look more beautiful than I ever have before. Instead I am alone, in this room with four white walls and sadness. The little girl in me would have never guessed this is how things would have turned out, but the comfort it brings knowing once this day is over I will be married to my best friend forever.

I took one last glance out the window - everything was just how I had planned, I wanted to make sure that the wedding was perfect. Troy needed to know that he wasn't making a mistake, that I really could be the wife that he deserves. This wedding was my way of showing him just how much he means to me, I want to show the world, just exactly how much he means to me.

The many rows of white chairs filled the terrace that was over looking the beautiful mountain scenery - all the chairs were decorated with turquoise tulle bows. The color of the tulle reminded me of Troy's eyes, they inspired the colors for the wedding decorations and floral. It seems as though the ever so special flowers we had ordered haven't made their appearance yet - I began to feel the anxiety bubble again. What if they don't get here in time? This isn't something a normal bride should have to worry about, usually the bridal party would be hustling and bustling to take care of the last minute details while dressing the bride. However, this specific wedding isn't like all the other weddings - or at least not like the one I had always envisioned for myself since I was a little girl.

The invitations were sent, phone calls were made, but my friends continued to be uninterested in being involved in the wedding activities. It left me feeling unloved and weak, how was I going to be able to get through this day without anyone by my side? Even my own mother didn't even bother to RSVP to the wedding. I had hoped that my she would change her mind before the big day, but I suppose she was too stubborn for her own good. So here I am, in my one of a kind, designer wedding dress - covered in layers and layers of lace and tulle, while everyone I have grown up to love, cares too little to share this special day with me.

Just take a deep breath - My groom is waiting downstairs with his best man and groomsmen, probably looking like a GQ Model from the 90's, handsome and debonair. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he see's me walking down the aisle towards him. My hair was done half up and half down in an array of long curls, just the way he likes it - the brunette curls were decorated with the diamond hair clips the groom had gifted me that morning. He always had a way of surprising me when I needed it the most, and he knew today of all days, I would need some extra lifting for my spirits.

The relationship between me and my mother is anything but traditional - this specific day would always weigh heavy on our hearts, due to the fact that we couldn't come to a compromise. This mother of the bride didn't quite approve of the marriage, and not for the reasons you would think - she doesn't believe that I will make a good enough wife for my darling Troy. Through the shock and awe that my own mom didn't want to be a part of this huge life altering change in my life, I realized my darling love will be my new family, the only true family that has ever loved me.

Looking in the mirror at my ivory reflection, I fluffed up the front of my wedding gown - despite mine and my mothers issues, I tried to set them aside and have her be a part of the traditional wedding celebrations, such as inviting her to go dress shopping with me. It turned out to be a complete disaster, all she did was huff at the prices and groan with every dress choice I made. There were no tears, only eye rolls and complaints, I eventually gave in and said I had picked the dress and secretly told the sales woman, I would be back to pick one by myself. I knew my mom would throw a fit if I dragged her down to the store and didn't choose a dress right then and there - my bets are on the fact that she might not remember exactly what the dress looked like since she didn't even care to take pictures.

The second time around I tried to invite my friends to join me on my next attempt at dress shopping - however each and every one of them had found an excuse to not be there. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they really were busy, but my faith was lost when I passed them at brunch on the way to the dress shop. I quickly crossed the street so the three of them wouldn't know I saw them, I didn't understand why they would wouldn't want to celebrate with me. It seemed as though everyone I care about is doing everything in their power to make me feel nothing but alone.

So here I stand, on my wedding day in my dressing room, feeling excited, scared and alone. At the end of the night after our I do's, exquisite food and dancing around in our own little bubble - I will get to start on the journey to a new and happier life with my husband.