Before Sixteen

18 A Day for Rachael

18 A DAY FOR RACHAEL

What does it feel like to turn sixteen?

I always found myself asking myself that particular question. Books and movies and sometimes, even real life teenagers made it sound or feel like there was a particularly great feeling attached to it. I couldn't feel spectacular. There wasn't really anything to feel spectacular about. I was just getting a year old. Nothing special there.

There was definitely nothing amazing about my coming of age. It felt like every other day. While other teenagers would make a big fuzz about turning sixteen, I didn't see the big deal. I felt abnormal. Maybe I wasn't a birthday person. But still, I was not interested in whatever the day might bring.

I'd specifically warned Sebastian not to wake me up with a birthday song and also not to say anything about my birthday to Mrs. Jacobs and Jay, since it felt like exactly what he would do. And after my warning, everything I asked him not to do was exactly what he did. Except, Mrs. Jacobs and Jay had joined him in waking me up with the cliche and overused Happy Birthday song. It was so embarrassing. In fact, embarrassing was an understatement at this point.

"Happy sweet sixteen, darling" said Mrs. Jacobs with a genuine smile. Sebastian pulled me by the arm out of the bed where I'd buried myself in my duvet cover out of embarrassment.

"Happy Birthday." I heard Jay say with a thin smile. He stood behind his mom wearing a white vest and a pair of sweatpants.

"Thank you." I said looking from Jay to Mrs. Jacobs. I had to force a smile because I wasn't feeling particularly excited.

I never thought Mrs. J would go to the extent of getting me a cake. "Every girl should celebrate her sweet sixteen," she had said to me, "Especially the ones that have been through a lot". The twolayered pink cake actually had sixteen candles on it. It was starting to look like a birthday afterall.

As I bent down to blow out the candles, I was supposed to make a wish but all I could do was recall everything that had happened to me up to this moment. Bittersweet memories.

Before sixteen, I'd made a lot of bad decisions.

Before sixteen, I got to know myself more.

Before sixteen, I'd learned what true friendship and trust means.

Before sixteen, I found true friends and made enemies.

Before sixteen, I had a brother.

Before sixteen, I watched my mother die in my arms.

Before sixteen, I'd lost so many people that I couldn't count.

Before sixteen, I almost got killed.

Before sixteen, I was raped.

"Happy birthday, Rachael" Jay said to me that evening. This would be the first complete sentence he'd said to me in a week. "I don't have your present now but I promise to get you something."

"It's okay. Thank you" I said before the trees in the compound became the most interesting thing. We both stood in the balcony for awhile in silence before he cleared his throat meaning he was about to say something.

"So, are you going back to Empire?" he asked

"Why not? I have a scholarship there" I replied and he nodded in understanding. I took it that he wasn't angry with me anymore but I knew I still had to apologize. "I'm sorry for what I said the other day." I managed to say. I wasn't used to apologizing for anything.

"I shouldn't have reacted the way I did-"

"No. I was being selfish" I admitted. There was silence for awhile before I loudly cleared my throat. "So," I turned to him, "Where are you going to finish your high school?"

"You mean, what school I'm going to?" he asked and I nodded slowly. "Empire, of course" he said making the both of us chuckle. He turned to me with a smile and I assumed he was about to say something else but the moment was cut short after we heard loud music coming from inside and we exchanged confused looks before going inside.

Lo, and behold, Daz how star do by Skibii was blasting through the home theater in the sitting room and I could see Sebastian screaming to the lyrics while trying to demonstrate with his hands. It was an awful sight.

I thought I'd seen it all when Sebastian was pretending to be a rapper until Mrs. Jacobs had danced her way out of the kitchen and began displaying dance moves of her own. By the time Whitney Houston's I wanna dance with somebody started playing, Jay had covered his face with his hands out of embarrassment and I kept laughing at Sebastian and Mrs. Jacobs until she pulled Jay and I closer to join her.

I'd not felt that happy in ages. I never thought I'd ever feel happiness again.

That night, I was as awake as a fish. It was almost midnight when I came down to the parlour where Jay was watching a movie. I wasn't surprised to see him there since I knew it was definitely a habit of his. But I couldn't help but wonder if he'd cultivated that habit after his father's death or if it was something he was always used to doing.

"You're still awake?" he asked after I'd taken a seat next to him. He was watching a Nickelodeon show but I was too distant minded to notice which particular show it was.

"Yes" I sighed.

"Why?" he asked with his questioning gaze on me. I had to turn away from the TV and meet his eyes since I found the question ridiculous.

"I could ask you the same thing" I simply said with my eyebrows raised. He rolled his eyes before turning back to the TV. I soon realized he was watching Game Shakers. We sat in comfortable silence and watched the show. "My mom was looking forward to my sweet sixteen" I blurted out making Jay turn to me once more with a sad look this time.

"Yeah..." he mumbled. I knew he had nothing to say but I was simply answering his question on why I was awake and not intentionally putting him in an uncomfortable position.

"I just wish she was here" I said without adverting my gaze from the cartoon on TV. "She promised to throw me a party." I had no idea why I was saying what I was saying but I simply felt the need to do so.

"I'm sorry," Jay mumbles once more looking down at the TV remote in his hands and fiddling with it, "I feel your pain. But there's nothing we can do."

"You seem to handle grief well" I admit while looking at him now.

He still had his head bent down but he shrugged. "I don't know. Anytime I try to sleep, I just... I just keep having nightmares of what happened to my dad". That explained why he was always watching TV late at night.

"Sorry, I had no idea" I gulped down the lump in my throat. "My mom died last year but I still think about her everyday. I could only imagine what you must be going through".

"Yeah, it's not easy" he looks up at me with teary eyes and a weary smile, "But we have to at least try to move on. Do you know the last thing I said to my dad before he died?" I shook my head slowly and he did the same. "I hate you".

He wiped his tears and I could feel mine gather. I had no idea what might've transpired between him and his father that would make him say that but I knew it was definitely eating him up. He deserved some closure so he could finally stop hurting like this.

I moved closer to him on the couch since I noticed he was having trouble controlling his tears. I put my arm around his shoulder. He was trying to wipe the tears as they streamed down. The last time I'd seen Jay cry was when he was eleven and he'd broken his leg from climbing a tree.

"It's okay" I whispered knowing fully well it wasn't. He wasn't okay and I wasn't either and there was little or nothing we could do about that.

Sometimes, I would wonder why there were painkillers to get rid of our physical pain but there was no painkillers for our emotional wound and pains.

Jay soon stopped crying and sat up straight but he didn't look at me. I hated seeing him this way. I wanted him to heal and be happy more than anything. I wanted to see the Jay that I grew up next door to.

"It's going to be fine" I assured him when I didn't even fully believe that myself. He nodded and turned to meet my eyes and before I could say "Jacheal" I had no idea who initiated it but we kissed.