The Deadly Mistake

intro two.

               A flutter of happiness skipped through my mind, and then I went back to a dark state. I set my phone back down, and shut my eyes. I knew what was yet to come. More pain, lust, and many scars. He knew more than ever that he was the cause to my sick being. He hurt me emotionally, and ruined me physically.

“hey, how ya feeling?” my dad stuttered into the room, and sat at the foot of my bed. His deep brown eyes locked with mine, and then slanted back down to the floor. He was full of despise. He was embarrassed to have a daughter like me, a suicidal freak of nature, A nuisance to the family. 

I shrugged my shoulders and managed to smirk a little. “I’m alive I guess.” My words hung in the air like must. It was deadly.. His eyes locked with mine again and he grabbed my hand, pulling the current ring off and sliding a beautiful diamond one on. Its gems were caressed by the sterling silver and swirls of deep black crevices. The look of it was breathtaking. It sat there, making my ring finger look like a work of art, as if I was an unbelievable piece of life.

He stood back up and locked eyes with me once more before he began to walk out. “hang in there bud.” He whispered as he closed to door behind him. I looked back down at the masterpiece that rest on my left hand; I turned it over and ran my finger over the words ‘My Warrior’. My father did love me, how could I let him down like this.. Another stream of tears trickled down my cheek. I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be alive to tell my story. I should be rotting in the ground where I belong, with the murderers, the other suicidals, and the freaks of nature.

I was always known as the loud one, the bitchy, rude one, and the comedian. I didn’t find myself funny, I didn’t find myself bitchy, I told people what was on my mind, and that was it. If I didn’t like you I made that clear. You were afraid of me, I wasn’t afraid of you. But deep down inside I had my fears, I had the most ridiculous insecurities that ate me away from the inside out like a chronic disease. And the only person that knew about them was the one that took advantage of them.

I grabbed the lighter on my desk and the nearest piece of metal I could find, a bobby pin. I lit the lighter and ran it over the pin until it was bright red with heat, and pushed it against my arm. Again and again until it the scars were as red as the flame. It made me numb, it took away my pain. The sweet smell of my own flesh burning brought me to an unfamiliar place, a happy place. I was high on my own searing pain.

I ran my finger over the terror zone I just created, satisfied by the look, Haunted by the story that lay behind it. I had just arranged a new addiction I would be stuck with for the upcoming years of my life. I lay my head back down on the soft memory foam pillow, and sighed relief. I was numb, pain free for the first time since the night I took the pills, and failed the easiest task known to man, Death.  I longed for the day were I would be happy, without my lighter and my freshly burned scars, without him by my side.

Would I be alone forever? I pushed it on my skin once again. The sound of it sizzling was music to my ears. Will I ever be the same? I lifted it back up and wafted it through the air. The smell was like a cake, baking in the oven, like grandma’s fresh cookies, or the smell of crisp autumn creeping up after summer.

My subtle happiness was interrupted by my phone going off on my night stand. I grabbed it and opened up my message. It was from him, Chris.

‘Are you okay?’

My fingers shook as I typed in my reply. ‘No..’

‘What’s wrong?’

How could he not know what was wrong! He was the cause of it all. ‘You don’t understand what you did to me, do you?’

He replied with a sad face. That’s his immature way of saying I don’t know how to respond to that. I began typing faster.

‘I nearly ended my life for you, and all you can do is sit there and act like nothing ever happened. Your fucking promises kept me alive until that night were I couldn’t take it anymore. I will never be as happy as I was with you.’

There was a long pause between the messages, and my phone went off once again. ‘I told you I was no good. But I couldn’t help myself. You’re amazing, your gorgeous and adorable and I couldn’t help but to love you.’

I slammed my phone against the stand and ran out of my room, ending up outside on the deck were the cold air hit me. I sat down on the concrete road, going over my thoughts.  Don’t believe him Em, don’t do it. But my heart kept bringing me back to him. I still loved him, and there wasn’t much I could do about it. I had to talk to him in person. I started walking down the road, no shoes, no coat, just shorts and a tank top. I didn’t know where I was going; I didn’t know where I would end up.