35 Ways to Say 'I Love You' | Joanne (One Shot Series)

Bird (Words of Affirmation)

*** Slightly mature content ***

"Joe, help!"

Joe skidded across the hallway floor, coming to a halt outside the spare room door.

"What does 'bird' mean?"

Joe stepped back, his eyes wide. "Dianne, are you serious?"

She rolled her eyes. "I know what it means normally", she explained. "But if, for example, someone was to say 'Joe Sugg's bird'..." she paused, running her hand through her hair. "I don't understand."

Joe smiled and sat down next to his girlfriend on the bed. "You're my bird. It just means, like, girlfriend. I guess it's a southern thing? Danny Dyer would probably say it."

"Is it kind?"

Joe melted at the cuteness of Dianne's question. "I mean," he began, "I suppose it depends on the context. Usually it just means girlfriend. Why? What have people been saying?"

Dianne handed Joe her phone. "This one" she said, pointing to a tweet she had just seen.

"Spent the afternoon with a slideshow of pics of Joe Sugg's bird in a bikini. Gonna need physio for my right hand. And a new box of tissues."

Joe burst out laughing. "Oh, that's horrific" he said. "People are disgusting."

"Does it just mean me?" she asked. "Because, for a minute, I thought they meant 'bird' like 'budgie smugglers' and I was thinking about that time you put a bikini on in one of Zoe's vlogs. I... I thought they were talking about you and..." Dianne sighed. "OK. I guess that makes more sense. It's still gross, though."

"I'm just confused why anyone would tweet that. Like, it's not normal."

Dianne raised an eyebrow. "Don't lie, Joseph."

"What?" Joe almost leapt off the bed. "Dianne, I'm talking about someone having a little... play... and then tweeting about it. Not the, uh, the... action. It's the letting the world know what you're up to that makes me uncomfortable."

"Right, I get you" Dianne said, her head still swimming with images she really didn't want to be thinking about. After a moment, she looked at Joe. "Does it make you jealous? Or make you feel weird?"

"What, the idea of some lad in Wigan having a tug to pictures of my girlfriend?"

Dianne almost heaved at Joe's use of the word 'tug'. "Ugh, stop," she said, "it's rank."

"I don't know how it makes me feel. I mean, I'm grossed out because I didn't want to imagine it and now I am. But, also, is it bad that I'm a little bit proud?"

Dianne raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I knew I was punching when I met you, but that's just confirmed it. It, uh, let me put this in a more romantic way," Joe said, taking his time, "I guess it just proves that I'm not the only person who thinks you're beautiful. I'm not the only person who thinks you're attractive. But I'm lucky to be the only one who gets to love you. And with my whole heart, not just with my willy." Joe knew as soon as he felt it that he fully deserved the punch to his right arm.

"Stop" Dianne said quietly.

Joe shook his head and held Dianne close. "OK, wrong choice of words," he leaned back until they were both laying on the bed, face to face. He gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind Dianne's ear. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. You must know that other guys- and girls, probably- think you're attractive. That you're top of someone's celebrity shag list."

Dianne rolled her eyes. "I've had it said to me so many times by drunk men in bars. Drunk men with wedding rings on, usually."

"Nobody has ever said it to me. I am nowhere near the top of anyone's list."

Dianne leaned close and kissed Joe's cheek. "Well, you're on my list. Not top, though..."

"Hey!" Joe pouted. "Who's at the top."

"1997 Leonardo DiCaprio. Every time."

Joe grinned and sat up, parting his hair down the centre and pressing it to the side of his head. He turned to Dianne. "Is this close enough? Do I look like Jack?"

"Yeah, you'll do."

Joe burst out laughing. "You'll do? God, Di. You're so romantic."

"No wonder people are jealous of your bird" Dianne said.

"They wouldn't be jealous if they had to spend half their waking hours explaining things to you. Or if they had to put up with you leaving the fridge door open. Or if they were getting their spots squeezed at every given opportunity."

"Shut up. You put up with it because you love me."

Joe nodded. "Unfortunately, yes. Nobody is 100% perfect. I got lucky enough to fall in love with someone who is funny, kind, talented and beautiful. There wasn't enough room for common sense as well. That would have been asking too much. Still, you put up with all my stupidity, so I guess it's a fair deal."

Dianne rolled her eyes. "Now who's the romantic one?"

Joe smiled and kissed Dianne's cheek. "I'm a lucky geezer to have landed a bird like you, darlin'" he said, doing his best Michael Caine impression.

"I was about to say I'm lucky, too, but unless you promise never to do that voice again, I'm taking back every nice thing I've ever said."

"Hey" Joe said sadly, "I'm a talented boy. You told me that yourself."

"I did" Dianne ran her hand down Joe's arm, "but that was awful. Anyway, redeem yourself or this 'bird' is going to fly far, far away."

"How?" Joe asked, knowing what was coming next.

"Foot rub?"