Mini Diary •🔐📝•

Calm showers

I put on some calm music,
I strip off my clothes,
I get into the warm water,
I grab the razor,
I start shaving,
I get deep in thought,
I dove too deep and now the shadow appeared.

I can't tell if it's the water,
Or if it is my tears,
I focus on shaving,
I shaved too fast and too rough,
Blood appears.

I take a good look at it,
Feeling a familiar urge inside me,
I don't blame myself for feeling it again,
I'm in the same room,
Same spot,
And blood.

Ignoring the blood,
I try to to finish up quick,
But I only cut myself more,
I ignore it once again,
Now I focus on the conflict that I'm against,
Or rather facing.

There is no getting over this conflict,
It's just there,
They can end it and help me,
They choose not to.

Once again,
The habit of diving too deep,
Haha,
I can't breath.

I grab onto the wall,
Hands slippery,
Breath shaky,
A panic attack.

Threw the razor,
Wiped my face, this time knowing what it is,
Tears.

I no longer trust myself.