The Hidden Diary of Ophelia Ridley

14

27 June 1988

Dear Diary,

I've spent the past 5 days at home. I called Marvin the day after Susan's party and quit. I didnt need the money anymore and I didnt want to risk seeing Susan.

My mother thinks I'm sick. My father doesn't care. I keep thinking about that night. I wish I could remember more.

I dont know if it is my fault or Susan's fault or nobody's fault. I can't bring myself to hate Susan because we agreed to work for her. If anything, I blame myself. If Susan can do stuff like this all the time without freaking out, than I must be weak.

I need to move on.

I'm trapped into going to tea with Daniel today, as per my agreement with mother. I bet I can convince him to drop me off at Edith's afterward. I feel like we should really talk.

I'm ready at 3:30 when Daniel picks me up. I'm wearing an old, yellow curtain of a dress that I allowed mother to wrangle me into because I just don't care.

As Daniel drives us into town, I see his mother and father waving at him. I'm once again reminded how lucky he is to have such loving parents. And how lucky he is to be born into wealth. I dont think I could ever have children. I wouldn't be a good mother.

"Thank you for agreeing to tea, today." Daniel smiles warmly at me. He really is handsome.

"You're welcome." I say. I think he is surprised that I dont have a witty retort. I just don't have the energy.

Daniel talks the most. He tells me how he is preparing to enter his third year at Oxford and of the classes he hopes to take.

I am happy for him, really. I've missed spending time with him. If I pretend he never proposed to me, I could even be happy to be here with him.

I sip my tea, and nibble on my scones but I dont say much. I can't tell him anything. He notices.

"Ophelia...I want you to know that I understand why you won't marry me." He says.

I am shocked. "You do?"

He nods "You're scared. You're family is so different from mine and I know it would be a big change. A massive shift. But I believe in us. I believe in you"

"Stop. Just...stop." I hold my hand out to silence him. Because truthfully, he doesn't understand at all. Maybe he's partly correct, it would be a big change.  But there's so much more.

I don't know how to tell him the truth. He's a wonderful person, and I do love him. As a brother. I dont know how to tell him that without breaking his heart. 

I don't know how to tell him that this town is suffocating me and if I stay here any longer, I will lose my mind. I begin to cry, something I rarely do so Daniel doesn't know how to handle me.

He payed the cheque quickly and ushered me outside.

He kept asking me what was wrong and what he could do which only made me cry harder. As we got back into his car, I couldn't help but feel grief for the life I wish I had instead.

I wish I had been born into a better family with more love and more money and more understanding. I wish I could have married Daniel, and settled down and had kids with him. I wish I wasn't such a complete wreck.

When he dropped me off at home, I was still crying and Daniel apologised profusely to my mother saying he didnt understand what he'd done wrong. I could sense the disappointment my mother held for me, radiating off of her but for once she didn't speak or criticize, she just hugged me, as we sat on the couch in the cabin. Perhaps she was wishing for a different life, too.

-O