A conversation with myself

Ah shit, here we go again

So, it had been quite a while since I last wrote anything.
In all honesty I this even existed.
I dont have much of an update other than the fact that me and my boyfriend broke up (about 2 months ago)

Well I guess a few things has changed. I've gotten closer with my parents at the extent of swallowing my pride and giving them what they wanted: the old me. Not that I have changed over the years but it seems as thought they wish I never grew up.

They wish I was still this little sweet kid who knew nothing about anything or didn't have a problem in the world. To be honest I wish I was still like that but that would be too easy, wouldn't it?

Although I lost respect for myself, not that I had much to begin with, I am glad that everyday isn't just another pointless argument. I no longer completely dread coming home. There are a few loose screws but who knows if I'll ever get the materials need to fix that.

On another note I've been feeling lonely. I know I'm not but I cant help shake the feeling off that I am nothing to anybody but someone to talk to. In all honesty I miss being in a relationship. I miss getting that special attention. But we cant have everything so I kinda just gotta deal with it.

If anything I should be focusing on more important stuff like school. Maybe I was naive to think I could manage a relationship when I could barely manage myself or any other relationship with anyone I have.

One of my best friends asked me why I always listen to her problem and never talk about mine. And to be honest that had me thinking. Why don't I vent to anyone? I keep bottling shit up until I end up having a breakdown at the end of the week only to start again with a fresh smile on Monday.

Part of me thinks it's because I dont trust anyone with that sort of information anymore. I dont want to tell someone something, especially if I feel like they wont be in my life for long. I'm not afraid if they tell anyone, I just dont want to go through the struggle of opening up only for it to be a waste.

I also think that my own problems are dumb. I know that just because others have it worse doesn't make my sadness and frustration and less valid but I dont want to subject anyone to listen to me rant about things they probably dont care about. Who knows, maybe my problems aren't that bad. Maybe I'm just too emotional to deal with anything.

I want to keep my own negativity away but when I do I feel like I'm lying to everyone. I feel like I am showing a side of me that isnt really me. I'm boring. I'm not special or talented. I good at certain thing but I'm not great at anything. Sometimes I wonder if all I'll ever be is a shoulder to cry on. I want to be able to provide more.

I want to be able to share fun stories or be able to talk good about myself. I want to be able to understand myself. I wish I could accept that I am allowed to be upset and I dont deserve the things I put myself through.

I am toxic. To myself. To others when I get close and just disappear. To anyone who has considered me a good person I have lied. I dont believe myself to be a good person. I have forced myself into a mold I think others may like. I am so afraid. And the worst part is I dont know of what. It's like suspense in a movie, its eating me and all I do is ignore it.

The only real thing I have going for myself is music. That's the rawest thing I have. The thing that keeps me going. This is all a pointless rant. It doesn't mean anything in the end. It's just another "shower thought" that I needed to get out because I dont want it in my head anymore. I'm sure I'll be fine but I kinda just wish I knew when.

Until then I will continously believe that I am trying to fix something; anything; only to yet again bitch about it in the future.

This felt bad to write. Knowing that people can read this. I know not a lot of people actually do but I still feel like I'm exposing myself. I dont like being this vulnerable. But it's also kind of refreshing to be able to tell "someone" about this. I am able to clear my mind from this for now.