A conversation with myself

Mom

I don't really know how I'm gonna go about this "chapter"
All I know is that I've been avoiding it because every time I start I tend to start away from what I'd want to say.
Here goes nothing.

My mom and I don't have the greatest relationship.
Now- I don't necessarily want to blame her but in all honesty it kinda is.
I know my mom has to deal with own stuff like her mental and physical health. She hasn't been in the most healthy condition as of the past 5 years
But I can tell that she is slowly getting worse. I try to take note of that and attempt to make most of what time she has left.

Though, there are times where she really gets me feeling some type of way. I forget of everything and all I can think of is of what she said. Usually when people say something mean or rude to me I can take it. It either does not phase me or I get over it after a minute or so. When my mom says something rude or mean to me it stings. It hurts a lot more than if someone from school were to say it.

I've noticed that I've changed on how I'm affected by what she says. When it became serious I felt horrible. I grew depressed because I believed that I was not what she wanted. It even got to a point were I became suicidal because of all of the guilt. But after a while I got over it. I don't know what it was but I grew angry at everything because i didn't know who to blame.

I still don't want to blame anyone. You see, my mom is at a pretty vulnerable state. I don't want to blame her for whatever I'm feeling or whatever she says because I tell myself that she's just hurting. She doesn't actually mean it. Right? Yet, lately things have been hurting again. I became tired of being angry. Angry at myself. I felt like this could have actually been my fault. And I still can believe that. But after continuously thinking I know it isn't because I've tried to get closer with her.

I learned that what she wants is for me to be who I was when I was little. Before any tragic event or mishap. When I was just a normal little girl. Back then I didn't know really what struggles were. I was happy for the most part. If I got sad it was for something very minor and normal. She wants me to have those same emotions. Attitude. Way of thinking.

She wants me to take whatever I feel and pile them up and burn them because she wants nothing to do with them. She wants me to say what she wants to hear. And I hate that. I hate it so much. I hate that I can't be a person when I'm with her. Sometimes I accidentally say something that I shouldn't have, throw some shade, and she would only ask me "did you forget who I am?"

Its something she asks a lot. And I think about it. She uses her role as a mother to rule above us when in reality she needs us. Us being the rest of my family.  She believes that we owe he because she made us. Helped build a foundation. Because God said so or something.

I remember I told he I thought I was getting "depressed again". The reason I worded it this was was because I had made it seem as though I was cured. From any and every little mental illness. She responded with "if that's what you are then imagine what I am"
I didn't say anything right after.

The reason I write is because it helps me get my thoughts out. I have a lot of them yet I never really talk about them. Usually because I can't trust myself in what I'd say. But whenever someone gives me the advice to try and talk to my mom I am a bit skeptical. Mainly because if we have a conversation it goes to her guilt tripping me or throwing shad at someone, including me.

For once I'd want her to listen. It's the same reason I write. Because even if no one actually reads this I can still pretend as thought someone is there. But she never listens to what I have to say. If I say something's it probably fake. Made up to fit to her standards. I can't be myself around her. I don't even talk around her. I want to avoid any slight change of an argument.

I am tired.
All I really want is her validation. I want her to praise me with genuine words. I want her to accept me and my flaws. I want her to be my mother.
But I'm tired.
Tired of trying to get her to appreciate me. I'm done with showing her things I'm proud of only to get a dismissive response. I can't fix her. She needs to change herself. And until then I don't think I can get what I want.

Sorry for this big rant.
Thanks to all who made it here.
I appreciate you!